Refuge, Rest, and Healing on a Summer Day in San Francisco's Near-Eden (Albert Hague with Dr. Seuss, Handel, and Bruckner)

All photos by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, August 15 and 16, 2024

"Well, Frau Mathews, it is a little different in this stage of my existence to relate to large crowds in the sense that above, there is no such division between performer and audience as there is here. But the great advantage I have now is being past even the temptation to be impatient and unkind. It is my pleasure to bless those who take their time to listen to me, and to continue blessing them if they wish to speak with me."

The Ghost of Musical Greatness Past, sitting with me deep in Golden Gate Park's Fuchsia Dell, was explaining how he dealt with a crowd of hundreds that had been drawn to his interpretation of Berg's "Sommertage" the previous week. It was just the kind of day that song describes, and as ever, he was drawing insight from it.

"Yet even in this matter it is as everything else: if you come as you are called, there is much less difficulty. It is as wonderful to bless one as to bless one thousand, and you will be empowered for all that you are called to. For me it is no difficulty at all to bless Golden Gate Park and Buena Vista Park with my singing, for I am called to bless you by doing so, and if others around you to the thousands are also blessed, so much the better! If some desire to share of their monetary resources with me so that we shall have money to bless the local economy on your behalf, so much the better!"

He paused, and then smiled more gently.

"Yet I do deeply appreciate your concern about me last week, Frau Mathews. I do not say that it was unwarranted, because it is always warranted to love and care as you are called. Yet by wisdom you kept from being worried and feeling that you needed to disturb your rest, and that is a great advance that you have made that also delighted my heart."

I smiled at him.

"You have taught and are teaching me well," I said, "and you have been so consistent in it for so long that what I have learned has settled into my heart."

"You have learned and are learning well, Frau Mathews; both your consistency in application and your willingness to open your heart have made that possible. Your determination not to harden your heart even in the agony of the previous two years has contributed greatly to the right settling of your heart."

"When I was a very little girl," I said, "I remember watching 'How the Grinch Stole Christmas,' ... you know there's a song for bass in there, by Albert Hague and Dr. Seuss ...

"The bass is Thurl Ravenscroft," my companion said. "The greatest bass of his time with the perfect name who never went into opera ... but he was not so called. Your ear for bass has amazingly high standards, Frau Mathews."

"One of my favorite breakfast cereals at the time was 'Frosted Flakes,' and Mr. Ravenscroft was the voice of Tony the Tiger," I said, and he laughed.

"Between Mr. Ravenscroft and Mr. Paul Robeson ... my word, Frau Mathews! If your father were not a tenor, no other man would have a chance to even be heard!"

I laughed.

"No lies detected," I said, and he laughed. "But anyhow, back to the Grinch ... he was so jealous and hate-filled at the tradition of singing tradition of the villagers that one year he stole all their gifts ... but then when he saw that they came out and sang even after that, his heart grew three times bigger ... that encounter with love healed and expanded his heart so at last he could both receive love and show love of his own. This impressed me very much, that all the villagers needed was love, music, and togetherness, and they not only could heal their own hearts in their loss, but even those of their enemies. This was being reinforced by the learning of the history of my own people's music beginning with the Negro Spiritual, and also the hymns of England and of Germany sung by everyday people.

"So I learned, very young, that even in the face of loss, the heart could not only heal and grow, but also be a blessing to others as long as the song of love remained in it. Not in all my years of difficulty has the One Who called me ever let that song go out ... and I thank Him that when I was in real trouble, He added an echo in the most beautiful masculine voice He ever made ... when I was a very little one, of open heart, I learned from a bass ... when I was again of open heart because it was so profoundly broken... a voice was given me in which there was no Grinch -- er, guile!"

The spirit of the basso profundo thus referenced laughed heartily at that.

"I also from younger years was a big reader in the Psalms, and there are two things said in there ... the love of God enlarges the heart and makes it possible for obedience to happen, and that matches with what I learned from the Grinch ... but also, the Psalmist said to the Lord, 'Your GENTLENESS has made me great,' and that matches as well."

"Your ear for eternal wisdom, Frau Mathews, reflects how you were called very early, and so you have been equipped ever since, from every direction. But that the plan for that included this little German bass ... ."

He shook, and so did the ground beneath us, so intense was his experience of gratitude and joy at that moment.

"We are just beginning today, and I have to leave you for a moment, Frau Mathews ... you have made me so at home with you that I am about to start acting like I am at home ... when I remember my life ... and to think some little one playing in San Francisco when I sang here but already called and listening would ever hear the love, the mercy, the gentleness, the power, the depth, the height echoed from on high in my voice ... I'm just a little bass ... to be included in such a great plan ... I must leave you for a little while, Frau Mathews ... your world cannot withstand the thanks I must give on high, now!"

He disappeared, and I with my little non-world wrecking contralto also gave thanks as the summer's gentleness blessed me. Distant harmony ... but on one accord.

Afterwards, I took some time to consider a few things ... my coming to peace and rest after my latest Covid experience had greatly affected him, and I was not sure I understood why. Now there was no Grinch in him -- there was nothing in him that needed to see anyone knocked down to be up. To the contrary: anecdotes abounded of how he absolutely rejoiced in uplifting everyone and everything around him, and rejoiced in seeing others flourishing as a general rule. Perhaps he was just rejoicing on another level because after sixteen months I was indeed up in the heart though weakened in the body.

But there was more than that ... he had made a comment the previous week ...

"I can do a little better than bus fare, Frau Mathews, but you have just been ill. I need to ease you into all that."

That was telling ... it brought this back to mind ... this from Handel always gets to me partially because of what it says ...

"He Shall Lead His Flock" is something I have performed in concert as a soloist, just wrapping the soprano part down into tenor ... I cannot remember it now without tears because I have been and could only have been gently led to peace and blessing ... and I always have been. I have a Good Shepherd. It makes a real difference.

But, concerning a particular echo in basso profundo ... it occurred to me that in gentle leading, the sheep do not ever know that good pastures and still waters are there until they get there ... they do not know how to look ahead, so they need a shepherd. I am blessed to be human, and to read, and listen to good music, so I can look ahead ... I knew in 2022 that if I just started climbing, even heartbroken nearly unto death, I would get to where it was promised I would be ... I knew that healing and wholeness and joy were in front of me ... like in Berg's 'Nacht' from last week, there was light coming through the darkness, and so I just kept going through all those experiences to "Sommertage" ...

... but STILL, I knew that it was written, "Eye has not seen nor ear heard" ... and I had the sense that now, my companion had been essentially in the echo mode of "I am in daily communion with Infinite Patience, even more than you are, and I need to be because I know what blessings will be shown you when your heart is enlarged to the point that it can hold them ... I can hardly wait ... there are things not lawful for me to utter from on high to you, for I cannot contradict what is written ... but when you have grown a little more and I can tell you more of what I can ... I can hardly wait!"

Then I had crossed the gap in July, at the least expected time ... he was still finite, and could still be surprised ... and so he was, his hopes for me getting it satisfied in full ... witnessing it had changed him ... but STILL, ahead of me "Eye hath not seen nor ear heard" was still in effect ... so perhaps he was just caught up between the recent fulfillment and knowing "My flower child, as your own ancestors would say, 'You ain't seen nothin' yet'!"

Caught up and could hardly find a way down ... it tickled me to think of him as culturally so different and yet not so different from my grand old soldier, but the latter, should be become overjoyed when giving his testimony, or when some music that struck his heart caused the space, no church space could hold that voice and keep up business as usual!

I also thought of a conversation about Bach I had with some musician friends ... how he wrote "Lord, Help" at the beginning of every piece, and "Soli Deo Gloria" at the end. What Bach did in the middle, we know. Constantly, even with the loss of a wife and at least ten children, he reached levels of musical greatness not seen before or since.

I thought also here of something else, for while Bach is to me the greatest of European composers, he is not the only great one. Common grace accounts for a whole lot in the world ... but then why was goodness and love so hard to find ... or were they? Might it be that pride, inadequacy, fear, doubt, and disbelief are clouding our vision and impeding our ability to receive and get into the flow? The corollary naturally followed that if one could clear those obstacles ...

A further corollary: gaps in natural strength could be made up to the limit a person had as finite, time, health, and age still there but not as dominant as one would think as considerations. A still further corollary: because we are finite, there were some individuals who, when in complete and willing surrender in such circumstances, if already filled with gratitude for that fact, would simply become overpowered.

Pressed down, shaken together, and running over -- that was a state of being blessed ... so, the blessing is packed in like brown sugar, the sides tapped and shaken to break air pockets to make sure every space in the cup or bowl is filled, and then still ... too much blessing to hold in a finite space or person ... but what that also meant was everywhere around said space or person was going to be blessed just from the overflow.

The question was finding people who also had that same understanding ... and then a further step would be to consider what it would be like to live blessed to the full and in the overflow of those with the same understanding all around, and set course for THAT ... the next step would be like living on the interest, not the principal, of one's investments ... living and blessing other people from the overflow, never depleting the core.

Now by this time, I was again walking, and for a little while I stopped and looked up longingly at the higher Oak Woodlands ...

... but then turned from even the grade I was walking to go back down to the bottom of the dell. Natural longing for beauty I always had, but I was not lacking where I was ...

... so only pride would make me think I should go up, and have me discover my inadequacies in the worst way, now or later ... fear as I knew I should not but did it anyway and then would have to explain how I had lost all the progress I was making ... no. No also because I learned many years ago: to sin against love is the greatest of all sins. I was in a park, and I had been eating directly from the Blessed Hand like Adam and Eve had in Eden.

All Creation was rejoicing around me, singing and working as I rested and recovered... the sun was kissing me and the wind caressing me as it gently blew the day onward as it is in "Sommertage" ... what pride and what ingratitude would I have to yield to in order to step one foot on that main incline, and risk potentially severe incapacitation if I fell or fell out from my body being over-taxed -- disqualification from giving my best in service also to that same One Who had called me, a disqualification I would have chosen.

I knew better ... I have long known that love is spoken of, and felt ... but it shows itself by what it does, and what it does when the choice to do anything not in accord with it arises. I needed no one to tell me not to go up: love itself compelled me, because I could not bear to offend the One Who had healed and had kept me and was giving me rest and recovery.

Like I said, one cannot see around corners and thus cannot know what is ahead... I had sighted my next seat ...

... but I did not expect to walk around that corner and into the overjoyed invitation of my companion's open arms and voice!

"Frau Mathews, I will carry you up as high as you desire to go -- to the top of Lone Mountain if you desire it!"

"It is enough for me where we are, and more than enough, right now -- my heart need ask for no more."

He looked at me with eyes and face glowing, and then laughed, long, low, and deep ... that alone, that glorious voice in its joy, laughing ... I had not even considered that, but talk about a bonus before he even explained the rest!

"Child, you do not even know ... you have taught yourself the day's lesson and passed the test, and you are content with 'virtue is its own reward.' You are right ... but the depth of it ... let me tell you! I am a basso profundo for a just such a situation!

"First, you are granted this day, unmarred by the evil you refused, and whatever consequences there may have been. Second, you are granted every day of the rest of your eternity, unmarred, and without regret, and with every blessing thus chosen by you not being damaged by consequences. The quarrel of the ages was played out for you, Frau Mathews. You refused rebellion -- you refused pride -- you refused ingratitude. All that goes with a fall now will not be your portion! Third, you are granted to even more deeply appreciate what is good and right for you, because now you have chosen it for yourself. You have chosen what was given to you by love, and now, you shall have it even more, for as you honor love, love will likewise honor you."

Now, that was a voice to be telling about the quarrel of the ages and things that stretched out to eternity ... but he kept his pace up, because as he had once said about singing King Marke, he had to be intentional about not having an audience in dreamland ... there were still a few moments when the sky darkened to the glowing shades of Blue Eternity, and the Milky Way just winked at me before his pacing gently brought me back ... I dimly realized that even the little walking I had done had tired me ... it would have been the epitome of foolishness to start up the western flank of Lone Mountain.

But instead, I was carried to an even more pleasant place than I had in mind ...

... and he disclosed another handful of fuchsia fruit for me to eat to strengthen me. I had water with me, and after that I was more than sufficed.

I noticed then that the sound of the day was changing ... although we could not feel it where we were, the wind was picking up and singing through the trees on high ... almost as if there was a tuning up going on ...

"I am glad for us to have a quiet day resting, Frau Mathews, for some hours. Your thoughts about being overjoyed and even overpowered are well-considered. When the finite is willing and surrendered to the infinite, both are quite easy circumstances to have occur. We rarely think about it because as mortals we are often so much in need of divine help. But even Father Bach shows us: if you make a request like that, with the mind of Soli Deo Gloria for whatever comes, there is no telling what the overflow may be."

"I am a witness of that myself," I said. "I was in a terrible situation 15 years ago that I could only compose my way out of ... Soli Deo Gloria!"

"Oh, Frau Mathews, when you get to the choirs that the blessing you have been given requires ... I already know ... you are blessing your children's choir and your church and your community mightily now, but when you get there ... and then some of your Negro Spiritual arrangements ... when it is time ... but you are wise to prepare to be a deep blessing to your fellow musicians first. Your discipline, Frau Mathews, in this time of your life that admits relatively little of your life as a composer, is admirable."

"I love my fellow musicians enough not to have them overworked and underpaid," I said.

"And I say again, your discipline is admirable, Frau Mathews, in a world in which it is so easy for the gifted to make excuses for doing the same old hateful things to people that everyone who presumes at superiority does."

"I am being taught well," I said as I embraced him. "To learn as a person of great ability to be as grateful and content and attentive and excellent in small matters while others will only give that kind of effort if they feel the thing is BIG -- that is a special blessing in discipline, and I have the most excellent mentor!"

"It is my pleasure, my duty, and my honor, Frau Mathews, to be your mentor in this matter, and along that line I have a surprise for you. I understand you have at last discovered Anton Bruckner."

"Yes, and quite a discovery that was!" I said. "He strikes me as Beethoven's gentler successor and Wagner's less self-absorbed peer ... supported also by Brahms ... with his own genius ... a little strange, but not in a bad way ... he is unique. His D minor and F minor masses are lovely in a way that is hard to explain ... we recently discussed how Beethoven's F minor sonata casts out all chances at light ... but Bruckner's minor-key masses are just shot through and through with warm, reverent light!

"Bruckner touches me very much where Berg's 'Nacht' and 'Sommertage' do ... not what I would have normally chosen, but something said 'Gib acht' -- give attention, and I was blessed by doing so. There is that in Bruckner that I love the most ... there is no pride or pretense though he is brilliant ... there is no sense of contradiction of purpose."

"What do you think of his writing -- the orchestra, the choir, the soloists and their parts?"

"The balance is amazing ... again, there is no need for them to compete for time or attention. These are not operatic-style masses, though they use big forces ... he is not writing to impress the tastes of the world system. I see why they are not as popular, but they are blessing me."

His smile grew wider.

"You know, Frau Mathews, it is good for little basses to sit down quietly for an hour ...

"... and even for years at a time [he was dropping me a preparatory hint from his biography] to step back from the big roles and popular appeal. I would be honored to listen to Bruckner's F minor mass with you, now."

"Oh, I would be delighted!" I said. "It has no prominent bass solos -- really not for anyone in the operatic sense except that one part for tenor in the Credo, harking back to the work of the church cantor -- but it was such a blessing overall! So much sense of call and response between the soloists and the choir -- such unity of purpose!"

"I could tell you were excited about that one, Frau Mathews," he said with a smile. "But you imagine that it must have been harder to get the big-time soloists to show up for it."

"I imagine for some it would hardly be worth the time spent learning the key phrases. Now as it happens, bass in some ways comes out equal with soprano ... often at the heads and closings of key lines. Sometimes Bruckner uses the bass as a counterweight or pivot ... and there is a lovely portion in the Kyrie where that voice holds forth on a high E for bass in the middle of and against the strength of the orchestra and choir as if the troubles of the world would overwhelm the singer ... but no ... not with Who he is calling on! It is a pity there are not as many recordings of it ... it does take a big-time voice in some places, but you know how we are as humans."

"Well, Frau Mathews," he said, and this point he outright grinned, "sometimes human nature opened up just enough space for a little bass to humbly get in where he fit in."

I was struck breathless for a moment -- that did not come up in his recordings on YouTube!

"And this is why, Frau Mathews, you needed to be very relaxed before I shared this, because you having a heart attack is not anywhere in the plan," he said, with a chuckle. "This is one of the recordings few remember I am in, but there I was, having figured out how to get better than a front-row seat! I was moved to even be invited to put in those few notes in so glorious a work ... to even be a part of such a blessing ... you know that even though I had so few lines, you know that the eternal part of me was singing my heart out ... "

" ... with such singing and such music all around me ..."

" ... and simply to be noticed or not be noticed because that mass was not meant to glorify me ..."

"... and, for once, not to have a certain contralto both cracking up and worried about things done before she was born because I as a young bass mopped my whole forehead, glad to have survived certain other high masses that are a strain to the body and the mind ... "

... and to just be blessed and add my portion to the blessing of others without needing to carry the day ... to decrease so the purpose of that music could increase ... it was my deep pleasure, Frau Mathews, for which I was very grateful."

"I can hear that ... from everyone ... ."

Thus passed one of the most beautiful and healing hours I have ever spent.

Recently at my church, our new organist was just warming up on "My God Can Do Anything" before a service. I was there early and alone in the choir loft ... the key was low enough for me as an alto ... so we just worked that warmup out ... no performance pressure, no crowds, no need to impress ... just two musicians who are on a good level just glorifying the Lord together ... and that was the last day I would sing alto for weeks, because that very week I would contract Covid-19. I have become the testimony of that song, so just the memory is healing to me ... in like manner, just to hear the eight little lines in Bruckner from my favorite bass, without him under major performance pressure, but just joyfully in purpose with every note ... it was healing to me.

It was deeper than even the recent illness ... long before the pandemic became a thing, I had begun withdrawing as a composer and choir member ... same issues as 2022 and 2023, just more dispersed. I was glad for 15 months of a break during 2020 and 2021, and never went back to anything outside my own church.

But there had been moments ... rehearsals over a decade with no immediate performance pressure yet ... just leaning into the message we had to share ... the memory alone ... before that as a student, late in semesters when we were near final concerts, enjoying the pleasure of making music together... still further back, I remembered the "Schubertiad" ... Franz Schubert had often gathered his friends and they had enjoyed music making with him ... and at the same time in history, my own enslaved African ancestors, at risk of their lives, would go deep into the woods and worship and sing together and for that time, be free ... and at that memory, bringing it together with the Bruckner mass written at that same time, I wept for joy ... it had all come full circle for me.

"You have known for thirty years what is openly being given back to you today, Frau Mathews. You were never meant for the life of the stage. Nor are you even a 'church musician,' primarily concerned with the rituals that you know full well have nothing to do with the fellowship of the faith. So, when you return as composer to the world as a mature woman, you will not need to figure out what you had to figure out as a teenager.

"I sang bass in Bruckner's F Minor Mass in 1989. I was 51 -- or close to it, because the month eludes my memory at the moment. Do you remember my interview from the year before? It was noted in that interview, Frau Mathews: as particular as I became about what operas and what roles I would and would not sing, I also alternated years on and off the operatic stage. Some years of my career, I let my voice primarily be heard blessing in and around my home, in neighborhood singing groups, in the studio, and in recitals and teaching events. Other years, I primarily sang oratorios and masses.

"Also with this, Frau Mathews: you may note here that I started in my forties to get to where I was going anyway. You are an investor; call it my exit strategy. I did not lose my whole musical life when I retired from the stage in 2006. To the contrary, the beauties of the quiet side of my career, spent in close communion and fellowship with community of multiple generations of musicians, received me. I laid the groundwork for that not when I was 68, but when I was your age."

I was silent in wonderment for a long time.

"You told us all what you were going to do in Brahms's 'Mit vierzig Jahren,'" I said. "You had made your difficult climb, and you had planned out your walk from there over that whole plain of your public career, planning for a gentle descent into port, almost 40 years later."

"And I also told you, in Brahms, that I already knew, as much as any singer of Negro Spirituals who understands them would, that this world was not my home, and would never satisfy my deepest longings -- although, unlike the character in 'Todessehnen,' I did have my sister-soul ... my Ursula ... I was blessed! But still, I doubled down in 'In Dem Kirchhofe,' in bravely facing the storms of life on behalf of a community in need, but also realizing: those above are 'genesen,' whole, healthy, and safe from all that we must endure, in that perfect fellowship I described in 'Todessehnen.' And then, finally, I thought of the end of my day, and I let you and everyone paying attention know that I had no fear of the cool night of death after the long walk of my life ... see the two previous songs for why."

"And then you did just walk it out, because you were working your exit strategy from my age!" I said.

"And then, some little one who was playing in the park at that time grew up and found the map I left," he said with a chuckle, "and even began studying German again to be sure she would not be entirely dependent on others' translations. But this is fitting, because you are to seek to deeply learn all things that are your own, Frau Mathews.

"I said to you, a little more than an hour ago, that you are granted to even more deeply appreciate what is good and right for you, because now you have chosen it for yourself. I said that based on what is written: 'To him' -- and we understand that 'her' is included -- 'to him that has, more shall be given, but to him that has not, even what he has shall be taken away.' No one may gainsay that, because of Who said it. The decree has gone forth from eternity as surely as these summer days were foreordained.

"So for you, it is just a matter of time ... as artist, as author, as investor, as composer, pianist, songwriter, and choir director ... since you have chosen your own things given to you in the manner in which you are called, and have chosen to walk, abide, and adorn yourself for that calling, you may be sure that all those things that are your own will be given to you. I am a witness ... and I left you a map."

He laid a hand gently upon my shoulder before saying the next part.

"A word of caution, Frau Mathews. It will not be gainsaid: 'to him that has not, even what he has shall be taken away.' I know that your soul was grieved recently to see someone who last summer treated you very shamefully reap the rewards of that behavior, spiraling and burning bridges in a public forum in front of important musicians. That was inevitable. Since he did not learn from your loving patience -- since he dishonored love -- now he must have the error of his ways. Because your heart is tender, it must grieve you, but do not let it grieve you too much."

I followed his gaze, and then was stunned to see what he was looking at, far off ... a large dead branch, dangling and blowing in the wind at a very high height.

"Sometimes, perfect proximity to the heights of opportunity only betrays the truth that a person or persons simply cannot live there -- their very presence is is unsafe to those who might pass that way. When I say to you, there is no bridge, I mean that, Frau Mathews. Understand what you are seeing is a difficult blessing for you and the wider circle to which you are qualified to enter."

"But also consider this ... because your heart is tender, I will give you the consolation you need ... remember that beautiful middle section of Bruckner's Benedictus, when the winds and Frau Mattila with her wonderful soprano sound like a sweet wind through the trees?"

"Oh, yes," I said. "It is one of the most beautiful passages of music I have ever heard."

"Such sweet summer wind blows through living and dead branches alike," he said, "and so long as there are times and seasons, it shall ever be. The rain falls and the sun shines, as it is written, on the just and the unjust. Common grace accounts for more than many believe ... and then we must remember what you believe as you were reminded in the Credo: there is One Who specializes in resurrection and redemption. So you need not grieve too much, for you may leave the matter in His blessed hand."

"Yes," I said. "Yes."

The sun kissed and the sweet summer wind caressed me after passing through the trees, the branches of which were in the hands of good gardeners ... I received this instruction and returned to peace. For the time being, it was not for me to climb too high or return to steep valleys ... for the time being, I was called to rest in love, and it was more than enough.

"Remember, Frau Mathews, also, you have planted much good seed. The season of harvest is now not far off in the Northern Hemisphere. It may not be far off for you, and a harvest requires its own type of energy. So, I say to you as I often have: nur ruhe, Frau Mathews. You are being given the rest you need. Nur ruhe."

He smiled.

"Doesn't YouTube have a loop function?" he said.

"It does," I said, and turned on Bruckner's F Minor Mass again, and allowed all that was not of that peace, beauty, and rest to blow away in the summer wind.