Into Autumn, with Tears, Heartbreak, Fire, and Strength (Schubert, Schumann, Brahms, Mathews, Traditional African American, Löwe, Negro Spiritual arr. by Mathews)

Photos by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, Sept. 5, 16, and 23, 2024

I knew it was coming.

I knew it.

I knew this portion of the harvest of the year -- this bitter portion of harvest -- would not pass me.

The demand that I become less of a musician -- I could feel it was coming because other folks are insecure about their picks having embarrassed them live and in living color, while me and mine came in and were praised in the weeks following.

But I have learned my lessons.

Linda Anne Kotcher (1938-2015) warned me about the provincial nature of some in local communities, and how they do not have use for a musician getting above what they see as important. She warned me 29 years ago.

Kurt Möll (1938-2017) simply got up and moved to Munich when his career had expanded to the point that it was required, and announced it after he had moved. That, based on his interview with August Everding, might have been quite a shock to his home circle -- but avoided decades of arguments and hard feelings with those whom he loved in his home region.

Ms. Kotcher highlighted the problem. Herr Möll epitomized how to fix it, and, in the long run, preserve the love and the relationships.

I have learned my lessons. I smiled at those who demanded, said that I would keep their demands in mind, and remained firm in my determination to cut ties with all they are touching so they have even less influence over me and my responsibility than they have now -- and then cut those ties. As Herr Möll also said in an interview when asked about the directors that he had trouble with, "I did not have trouble with anyone." Indeed! When one decides one need not, and one therefore will not, one does not!

I answer only to the One Who has called me, and those Who He has put over me in direct authority. Everyone and everything is not worth my being troubled. Some people are simply de-selecting themselves and their affairs from my efforts, and that is just going to have to be OK.

I could not have gone from hurt to infuriated to composed to calm and active in my resolve so quickly in 2022 or 2023. It took all of that, and nine months in 2024, to be ready to accept that not those of my choosing but those chosen by a Power greater than mine will share fully in the harvest that is to come through me. I have literally been told, to my face, that this must be so now. I do not need to be told again.

Yet I also know about me ... experience, respond, feel ... that blow hit me hard but I focused on getting through and determining my long-term and short-term responses at first ... and then going and crying when the business is handled.

Schumann's "Stille Traenen" sung by Martti Talvela speaks of so much of my life ...

... silent tears while I keep things going and keep smiling for those who need that ... when I am safe, I weep ... but sometimes it takes a while, and sometimes some help is greatly appreciated ... when things are clear but cold on these autumn nights (although I think really this was probably a winter night), and when you can see what you need and can't yet get there ... but you still have what you need to keep going ... you are still safe ... Schubert's "Sehnsucht" D. 879 brings longing and contentment together, and I found it sung beautifully by soprano Barbara Hendricks ...

The blue, freezing night, the looking among the lights of Heaven for that one true deep love ... but even cast far from that one, the warmth of still having a song to sing is enough. It is enough. I shall do what I am called to do as I can ... and in due time, the room I really need will be made for me.

This is also after understanding "Aus Heliopolis II," and catching some of the fire Herr Möll sang in there ... I have the option of doubling down, too, because everyone in the community is not with this strangulation regime. Thus I may choose to hammer a pin into the rock with all the force I am capable of so others can climb through this kind of foolishness more easily and thrive more easily!

And speaking from the side of fire and strength: Schubert set two songs by the same name -- and the second one of my hearing makes the point of "Aus Heliopolis II" and is part of the same collection ... Herr Möll simply will not leave off the point, for there is another boat with no one in it, but the sails are filled out, and if one would better one's situation and come out of a dark and clouded place, and if one can see a better world one has to get into the boat and brave the storms ... a prequel to "Selige Welt," the way he has it in the album, for by that time that song comes up, just being in the boat, away from the darkness, is found to be enough blessing ... just to be in the light ... but one has to get into the boat and go first!

So, this pair of Schubert songs by the same name ... one may not be exactly where one wants, but there is warmth and light given within that sustains, and then if there is no longer any chance of hope and safety, then one must strike out toward the higher light, and a way will always be provided!

I felt prepared for all circumstances after discovering this unusual Schubert pair, and braced on the side of strength by the might of the delivery by my favorite bass! All this while being reminded by Brahms, like Bach before him ... I can be dressed properly for all events ...

... and that includes putting my war clothes on if need be.

SO: after all things were settled, I relaxed into the new season's beauty... all things in their time, and open before me ...

... and peace returned ... I began to see how I could leverage what was happening to secure more resources for those in my area of responsibility, and that also began to bring clarity to what I want to do to organically promote my fifth book for the rest of the year ... where, and with whom, and in what kinds of spaces ... the blessing hidden in it was coming out!

Then I had to recall my summer lessons ... a blessed world ... yes, with its storms blowing, but as long as I did not get fished out into needless situations, I actually was still safe ... but I could also forge through the storms when needed in my calling ... "Aus Heliopolis II" and "Sehnsucht" had reminded me of that.

"I waited patiently, Frau Mathews, to openly encourage you on your fire-and-strength side -- and we see how the Blessed Hand moved all affairs so that you would have all those lessons right on time, and so you do not need to be concerned, at the beginning of autumn, about allocating the harvest coming for you into places not prepared to hold it."

The Ghost of Musical Greatness Past appeared with a smile, and I rose and embraced him.

"O thou good and faithful echo of all my deepest learning, reminding of and reinforcing me in the ancient wisdom in which I was raised, at the proper time, ich danke Sie!"

For it came back to me, just then, that I had been told before, and he was indeed just the echo:

Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they turn and rend [tear] you.

No one puts new wine into old wineskins; or else the new wine will burst the wineskins and be spilled, and the wineskins will be ruined. But new wine must be put into new wineskins, and both are preserved.

He Who said that has not yet been wrong -- it was good to be reminded.

"Gern geschehen, Frau Mathews," my favorite echo purred as he wrapped his arms and voice around me. "My duty, my honor, and as of late, my intense pleasure."

Now he had given up entirely on even attempting to get near 60 in appearance -- he was King Marke reconsidered as Lord Autumn, his mostly-salt-but-some-pepper-liberally-sprinkled-in hair and dark eyes quietly aiding and abetting the handsome riot a vibrant red-brown hiking suit did with his coloring.

That actually worked out well with my Blumenkinding for the day ...

... so, we were well matched as he sat down by me.

"I have been impressed, Frau Mathews, about your thinking through the matters at hand for you -- a bitter harvest to start, but you are handling it well."

"I have been prepared well," I said, "and I must honor that."

"Yet how do you feel, Frau Mathews? I ask this because you are of the mind of experience-act-feel, and in Q-Inspired time, today is September 26 though of course a bit earlier than that as you are writing this. But, close enough all the way around: September 26 is the day, last year, when all collapsed."

"I know," I said as my mind went back ... but there also in memory he met me with Löwe's beautiful song about an old duke who had outlived a mill, and with it, a bride and a whole cherished community ... but who had to live on and did, though with the tears upon his cheek.

But the time of my weeping for those things had ended, and my mind returned to the present, although the anniversary stress did explain why the blow had hit me so hard ... another loss ... another collapse ... but I had grown so much since September 26, 2023 ...

"How do I feel?" I said. "Anger ... sorrow ... acceptance ... peace. They are all there, and I am choosing to focus on the latter. The first two are there, but we spoke of my life as a composer ... it is time for me to prepare in earnest to seek those grounds that will support me better in that next year."

He chuckled.

"A wise idea, Frau Mathews. But perhaps you also had better send @mipiano what you have of "The Song of the Not-So-Mourning Dove" -- she is a highly skilled pianist, and will appreciate that you remembered her request, and you may be surprised what she can do with it even though it is difficult!"

"You are a support to my memory and my confidence, and I appreciate the nudge -- consider it done!"

And it is, right here -- as much as that improvisation would yield to be scored, with a bit of rounding off -- enjoy, @mipiano!

"Now then, Frau Mathews, see how we and @mipiano have made the possibility of a happier September 26 to remember ... a sharing of love ... and then on Hive and everywhere there is always the possibility of more," he said. "The world is truly open before you, Frau Mathews, and you may do what it is you love best in it, as you are called."

He smiled.

"Shall we walk and talk?" he said. "It is a lovely day, yet again."

"Yes, let's do that."

After we had stopped to rest, he pressed further a little more.

"How is the pain, Frau Mathews? It is the one thing you did not address in your feelings, because you are used to rolling through it ... you are so used to it that you perhaps take more than many others would."

I had to consider that, and knew some autumn lessons for me were wrapped up in it.

"The pain is devastating," I said, "but you are right: I'm used to taking it and transmuting it. In order to live a split-level life, some adaptation has been necessary. I was told for the first time at age 14 that what I was learning was not wanted by our community, and yet I have stayed and found a way to serve anyhow. Now, most of the people who were saying that back then have been corrected by now --."

He laughed.

"They certainly have. I can vouch for that in person, Frau Mathews -- they were taken where we all shall get it right, and they have it perfectly right now!"

But then his voice changed ... just the hint of a thunderous growl ...

"But the cruelty it takes to have burdened a 14-year-old like that ... you have been cruelly used, Frau Mathews ... whether they who did it know it, or you know it, or not. Now, your resilience reflects well upon your legacy as an African American -- few people in history would have ever endured what yours have without going absolutely ballistic several times in the past 400 years -- but everywhere, great resilience can be taken for granted. I desire that you understand that, Frau Mathews. There is a reason these things are coming up now, 29 years out, but not yet 30."

"I suppose that after 29 years, those who count themselves unworthy may have their way. It is neither mine to save or damn, or choose who will be blessed. Ich gebe auf -- I give up. I surrender."

A tremor that became a shudder came over me as I said it aloud ... but I raised my arms and yielded nonetheless ... my hands open, releasing what was not mine to hold, my heart broken but open to have removed what had to go, so that room be made for what was meant to remain and what should be added ... and it came to my mind even as my body was failing to handle this well that it had been written:

I will shake all things, so that the things that cannot be shaken may remain.

For 29 years, with both hands and both feet, I had tried so hard ... but the rejection from many had been constant and consistent ... and so all things in my life had been shaken and things and people had been shaken loose with violence beginning in 2022.

Still, one could die of a broken heart ... 29 years of pain is a lot, even if letting it go... and there was an aspect of it that was particularly difficult for me. I had so much fear because I have seen the consequences for so many, but those who wanted no better were not tormented by such fears. They fear not having what they had so much and doubted so much that there was an offer of better ahead of them that all this became their torment, and their idol, and their ruin.

But then I realized the message of the second "Sehnsucht" ... the longing had to be placed within the heart ... the true danger of the situation had to be understood ... the glimpse of a better life had to be seen and believed and held as more valuable than even the gods of the place where one was -- for at the end, the character is heading for the boat, looking for a miracle that none of the gods he knows can save him -- but from outside all he knows, someone has sent a boat, with all sail ready if he will just get on board!

And then my mind flashed to a song about a train ... the fare is cheap, and all can go ... and I arranged this song for choir, once upon a time!

That says the same thing as the more fiery "Sehnsucht," even accounting for all the slave owners playing the gods of the American South at the time -- if you want to be free, and the opportunity comes, you still have to choose to get on board!

How had so many of my own people forgotten who we were, in that respect? That was another level to the pain. Here I was, composer and arranger of even our own ancient glory of music ... and I could get no help in 29 years where I worked and served, and was being asked to do less!

And around me, what had provided larger infrastructure had been failing before Covid-19 and had been destroyed by the pandemic ... the investment level was just not there even before that. So many had their little spot, and the competition and jealousies over the little spots and attention given to them had meant choirs of hundreds could be made to be wrecked ... I had seen that, too.

So I had not come back out again ... I had remained in my little lane of responsibility, only for that effort to have become so vibrant that it was now a problem ... we were showing others up now, so now the attack was coming!

A towering rage came over me, for in my area of responsibility were thriving children, and for them, I would level a mountain, to say nothing of climbing one -- so who exactly was I going to listen to telling me to do less? NO. I was going to double down, and everything and everyone else that wanted to go to the abyss could go.

Now, physically, I was going through changes -- it was a good thing I was about two months past Covid-19 -- but then it passed, and I came to myself in the calming beauty of autumn --

-- and in the strong arms of my companion, who had swung me off my feet in the second it took for all this to occur. He carried me up and over the hill and around it to a gorgeous seat ...

... and said, in his most gentle but mighty double-deep imperative: "Breathe, Frau Mathews, breathe ... you may not come to your alto seat above at this time ... breathe .... breathe ... breathe ... ."

Such was the beauty and power of his voice that my heart and nervous system just got right back on point ... as usual ... who knows how much medication that voice had spared me since late 2021? The scenes before me, too, didn't hurt at all...

But even deeper than that ... I had been sitting in church Sunday and Heaven had been spoken of, and my soul had leaped up toward home ... the other "Sehnsucht" came to mind ... for I have long been convinced that all that I needed would ever be found up home ... I was not that different from my ancestors in that respect ... I was made to know early that I could not afford to think of this world as home, and that all the love that would make this world a pilgrimage to be made and enjoyed would come from there ... my one great love, my grand old soldier, is of the same mind ... it is the love from there, as it is hinted in "Sehnsucht" and said openly in "An die Musik" and also in several of the Negro Spirituals, that gives us a song that makes life doable here!

All this was just in a few minutes, but they were deep minutes, and so concerned was my companion that he kept me close in his embrace of arm and voice, as if he were personally charged to hold me to Earth himself.

"Meine Tochter ... my daughter ... I pressed you gently to make you aware of your own feelings, so as, as I once said about singing effectively, to make the internal external ... you are so adapted to playing through pain and your tolerance is so high that you can keep going and going and going, transmuting and transforming and transcending ... but make no mistake: a split-level life has its costs. You have done well over 29 years to make it work, but you will not be 43 much longer, and your heart and blood vessels will not always be as strong.

"We have spoken already of how to save your life. All summer, we explored all the things you would need, while resting deeply and giving ourselves to enjoying the beauty of the season, and you grew so much ... and all the while, do you think everyone around you attended to such growth?"

"Not everyone," I said. "Not most."

"So if you were a problem before the summer, Frau Mathews -- for 29 years before this summer to certain people, should we not expect that certain people might be even more disturbed to find you even more powerful?"

"My mind just doesn't work like that -- it just doesn't," I said. "I have spent 29 years being surprised because I don't understand people who don't value improvement and growth."

"Which is why, Frau Mathews, it is good that you are making the moves you are, for growth and stagnation have just as much agreement as light and darkness."

"Indeed," I said.

He sighed.

"You have watched many, many Commendatore scenes, Frau Mathews. You know that at the beginning, though he dies, Commendatore arrests the career of Don Giovanni in his criminality. He never succeeds again, and because he refuses to learn, to change, to repent, he dies, eternally. Even Commendatore cannot alter this, although we must say he makes even more effort at the end than at the beginning -- that commute, and that costume!"

I laughed gently.

"Nonetheless, Frau Mathews, there is a difference in the scenes in which directions favor strict adherence to Da Ponte's libretto and let Commendatore walk calmly off stage, or hark back to older conceptions in which Commendatore does drag Don Giovanni off. If Commendatore grips and holds, that is the end of Don Giovanni grabbing anything and anyone in his desperation not to fall to his doom. If not, then we must say that Donna Elvira and Leporello do doubly well to stay out of the doomed man's way, for as he did not care from day to day who he hurt, he certainly would not care about damaging anyone else at the end."

He paused, and then continued in a graver tone.

"You know, there is an older story about a boat than Schubert set," he said. "If I recall from childhood days, there were about 120 years of people scoffing about getting into that boat -- but there came a day when the door to Noah's Ark was closed by a more than mortal hand."

"And what He shuts, no man opens," I said.

"Not from outside, or within," he said. "I desire that you realize, Frau Mathews, from within, what that means. I desire that you realize that there is no call for you to be anywhere near the last desperate grip of those who, being shown better, do not desire it until they need it as chattel for their own survival as they are. I desire that you continue to move away from their grip."

"I will. This incident has only fueled my determination. I am going to double down on what I am called to, and remove myself from all those whose things just need holding up in the absence of their willingness to do the work. I have been doing this, by instinct, for years ... now with purpose, I need to complete it."

"Yes ... yes ... and this is the longer-term lesson that you are meant to learn! 2022 through 2024 fit with 2014 through 2024 ... you have been on the move for a decade, Frau Mathews! Now, embrace it! Lean into it! Let the wind fill the sails!"

His voice was ringing and his eyes were shining ... and he thought of another song in that state of mind ... there were sides of him that in the days of his gentle comforting I had never guessed about!

"Caveat no. 1, Frau Mathews: I am going to step a good 100 feet -- about 30 meters for your European readers -- from you, because although I can size this to the studio or the small recital hall, I want you to hear me, and never forget, and at the same time I do not wish to rattle your sensitive nerves. Caveat no. 2: obviously this song fits within the context of Greek myth, so do not take this exact advice except in the larger point: those who did not make you have no claim to your worship. Those who neglected you have no claim to your harvest! And those who are called to climb after you can learn to ignore all their demands, all their petty shows of malice pretending to be power -- you will teach them, by your example!"

And, oh ... did he sing! It is a good thing, given that it is September, that Golden Gate Park is well-watered, because just as San Francisco does not need another Big One, it likewise does not need another Great Fire!

Now, I had known him in his passion of joy ... but this was new ... rarely seen in opera except terrifyingly as Monterone, who like Commendatore gives it all to stand for his daughter in Rigoletto, and Fiesco in Simon Boccanegra, standing for daughter and granddaughter ... this was a theme that held ... he was generally easygoing to the happy side, but there were a few things that allowed him to flip the script, and in his recordings of lieder there were a few more things ... so then, in the park, I heard him expressing all the feelings of one neglected by one who should have loved and supported him, but who grew strong and able to create for himself anyhow -- Prometheus, defying Zeus -- combined with the singer himself being angered over the treatment one he considered his daughter had endured.

I thought also at this time ... and my heart was moved even more to him and the One he echoed so powerfully ... that I was glad to claim a higher Father than Zeus, an Eternal Father Who had never left me alone to struggle with the titans in my world, who had always made a way for me to walk, to abide, and to adorn, and keep moving. Hive ALONE is the proof of that. But also I had seen that He had fought my battles from age 14 to age 43, and made room for me and the generation after me ... my heart was overwhelmed to see all the ways they were thriving with me and beyond me and far beyond me ... that I could be the support I couldn't get in the community ... it overwhelmed me with joy and gratitude ... I became what was needed, for that was who I was called to be, and no one could or would stop me!

It was about then that I realized: "Prometheus" is a song of rejoicing and triumph, of becoming who one was meant to be in spite of unjust, uncaring people. I had to remember that Schubert and many of his contemporaries had Clemens von Metternich in mind, and were telling him to his face through music: "We are creating space for people who think and feel and live and love for themselves and will 'pay you no attention, just we don't!' " Take that across to a Negro Spiritual, and one would find "Ride on, King Jesus -- no man canna hinder me!" Open, powerful, joyful defiance and triumph that would long outlast any power then opposing ... all these songs have come down to us and still have power while Metternich and slave owners are all dust ...

And then I thought of what was also written: "We are more than conquerors through Him Who loved us." That was written in a time when actual caesars were on the throne of the Roman Empire and were unquestioned in their mastery of most of their world (but Cush, kept free by Queen Amanirenas and now known as never-colonized Ethiopia, laughed at this). This was a time when Christians would soon be thrown to lions when not used as torches to light up caesars' gardens ... and yet, the empire would fall, and before then, the Emperor Constantine would find it to his benefit to at least ostensibly become a Christian within a mere 250 years! So then, was I REALLY going to be stopped or hindered as long as I walked, abode, and adorned myself in the way I was called? Not at all. Setbacks are inevitable, but as long as I was doing as I was called, I was winning.

All this my favorite musician sang for my heart to hear ... I thought I had loved him before ... he had swooned me plenty of times on the side of his joy and love ... but this ... to catch fire in spurring the beloved not just to endure, but to realize her triumph ... my grand old soldier and I used to do this for each other, and on occasion still do. When what warms on one side burns on the side of all who oppose -- that was another level!

Now, also just as obviously, because he was letting it rip just short of bringing on the Big One in the city, a huge crowd was gathering in shock and disbelief, and some of them knew him from other days that he had been singing in the park, because they were passing me talking about, "Now I've heard Herr Altesrouge sing, but not like this -- the pipes on that man!"

Did I mention he somehow had improvised a tall top hat, and that top hat was filled to the brim with cash money with the quickness?

Then I remembered ... Oktoberfest had started on September 21, and was going until October 6 ... he had been dropping me hints for a little while that he had something in mind ...

I can do a little better than bus fare, Frau Mathews, but you have just been ill. I need to ease you into all that.

Now, quietly, he had eased in lunch for me on Buena Vista Hill the previous week ... he was easing me in ... he was definitely up to something ... but I would be content to know when I knew it ... the surprise of his defiantly triumphant "Prometheus" had opened my mind and filled my heart to overflowing.

The end of one's torments, with the loss of one's idols ... the possibility of choice ... for me it had been a decade of turning away from the idea that I could take anyone with me before realizing the depth of what I was doing. But now, the first "Sehnsucht" ... the willingness to do what I was called to do, absent the companions of love I deeply desire ... the second "Sehnsucht" ... the willingness to strike out of a dark place and leave all idols that cannot help behind, counting on a miracle from the place that has sent a way of salvation ... "Prometheus" ... those who presume to sit high but do nothing or actually use their position to oppress are owed no reverence or reward, and in fact must be defied if that is what it takes to continue in one's calling and prepare the way for others to walk safely and without fear ... as the new season had come in, this all had come clear and now could be purposefully chosen.

And speaking of choosing, as that crowd began to break up and flow past me again ... I took a moment to go to a seat that was a bit more secluded, for even the most skilled and delighted extrovert, even though he is not capable of being physically tired, might appreciate a place to rest with the songs of the birds and the wind in the trees over him.

"You are so kind and thoughtful, Frau Mathews," he purred as he joined me again in the quiet Fuchsia Dell.

"It is the least I could do, Professor," I said, and smiled as it took him a moment to catch up ... the word is the same in German and English, but ... .

"I see you have been studying a little more in my biography," he said.

"What you sang to my heart today in 'Prometheus' required the additional honorific," I said. "Vielen Dank, Professor Möll."

"Gern geschehen, meine Studentin," he said. "My duty, my honor, and my pleasure."

He sat down and sighed contentedly, and was glad to close his eyes and smell the flowers and listen to the bees buzzing in the flowers near us for a good while ... he became very relaxed ...

"About now in Germany, I would be practicing 'Uber die Heide' by Brahms, and the great bass Gottlob Frick would be singing of the last roses blooming in those same meadows right now in the songs of Stolz ... and life and love and youth all fleeing with the summer ... but if last year was any gauge, I think it will be December or even into winter before I can get into that mood here, if at all ... with you so healed, will there even be a winter of the heart here for us? I know that I have brought warmth and love to your heart ... but now ... ."

A gentle winter to the mind of a German man ... that meant something very, very deep ... of course I knew from having lived in San Francisco that German tourists loved winter here, and for good reason ... it was as warm as spring to them, and if we were not in drought, clear and golden ... the days were short, but the clear ones drunk with light from the south, long rays bathing the remaining golden and red leaves and the silvery filigree of bare branches against skies that ranged from the purest rain-washed blue to the silver-gold of skies blessed with thin high clouds, with great cloudscapes in between and hills to see them from ...

My companion shivered from delight as he arrived in dreamland ... he shared the memories of the previous autumn and winter with me, and the anticipation of the next ... but also, it is one thing to anticipate the beauties of coming seasons, but when they will be warmer and more beautiful because of one's connection to a warm and generous love who invites and anchors you there, that is a different thing entirely. Now, he was not facing a winter in Germany any more ... the whole world is winter compared with the warmth and generosity above, up home ... but as I walked, abode, and adorned myself as I was called, he was getting to be very much at home ...

I did not disturb his deep, pleasant rest, and he came to himself with a soft thunderclap of a laugh in about an hour ...

"Old men doing what old men do," he purred.

"I had a nap as well, so forget that excuse."

He laughed again.

"This is a pleasant seat indeed, Frau Mathews. I will go down to the Music Concourse this evening as I have listeners there who expect their serenade, but there are still some hours before then, and I have time to rest a while longer and then see you home first."

"Might you, perchance, be stacking cash for Oktoberfest?" I said. "San Francisco does have a robust selection of activities."

"Frau Mathews, I know that you and beer and crowds do not mix, and I know that you after Covid-19 have to be even more careful about what you eat ... but it had crossed my mind that Buena Vista Hill has a German bakery and restaurant in its valley, and both are not only in walking distance, but an easy turn-around to our favorite bus line for that hill. I am a German, so I have to feed you sometimes, and with Oktoberfest having started on the 21st of September this year, it is on my mind."

"I appreciate you holding back last year, because I was mentally and emotionally messed up and just couldn't think well enough to appreciate all that ... but I appreciate it now, and I thank you."

He smiled warmly at me.

"I see that you are picking up this subtle reminder I am offering you from the spring ... you are learning the side of allowing yourself to be loved, Frau Mathews, and encouraging it. You see now how you have grown, and healed."

The smile became a grin.

"Stacking cash, is it?" he said. "Is that the term you young Americans are using now?"

"Yes, sir, it is," I said. "I gather that K.M. Altesrouge -- as you develop that role -- is getting to be quite the well-off man."

"Singing in the park will pay for a few suppers, at least," he purred, his eyes twinkling.

"Now, wait a minute," I said. "You were known to be a modest man, so if you are sitting here talking about a few suppers ... ?"

His eyes twinkled even more.

"Well, first there is Oktoberfest, and then then you have not yet appreciated a German in holiday form, and then your birthday is in January. But, more to the point: if already you are too much in bloom for some, they had better get their lives together, because the season for you to walk, abide, and adorn yourself boldly in the face of such opposition has come, and you may expect that I intend to encourage you in that direction with my resources! Some gutes essen, also known as good eats in English, will be liberally applied at some point!"

Oh, we had a good laugh there ... it was all good, and my heart settled into this change of season with joy.