A Day To Be Overtaken By Joy, Bend Space and Time, and Leave More Fears Behind, with Löwe, Schubert, Rossini, and My Favorite Musician

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021, with San Francisco's Sutro Tower there in the distance, peeking through the trees

Part 1: Now, See, We Were Warned, With Evidence

This is the worst week of the year to find out that although you think you know your favorite ghost, you really don't. Not at all.

However, if in his mortal life he turned half the villains he ever played into show-stealing comics, and was just too joyous and gentle a fellow to ever quite get into evil mode convincingly, one might still be safe. Maybe.

Maybe ... maybe even if among his last words on his last visit had been a moment of frustration and determination intense enough to be picked up on San Francisco's seismographs because he is in immortal voice now ... still maybe, because even the frustration was not out of range for a master teacher known for his paternal love for his students, confronting a student who admittedly can be really exasperating. Sometimes, even as a teacher, the wisdom of James Brown about "Papa Don't Take No Mess" had to be used.

"Do not misunderstand me, Frau Mathews -- all this is good because all that you are doing is good and for the good -- but you've planned no rest in it, nor have you realized you can celebrate for yourself. You have the audacity to have me in the role of the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past, but you don't do Halloween. Yet that will not hinder me in the slightest ... I am coming for you, Frau Mathews, perhaps not on the 31st, but I am coming for you. Enough of this. You need a break. You need to go celebrate. I am going to break this entire pattern up. Get prepared. Get your friends in Q-Inspired prepared. Enough of this overworking and under-celebrating, Frau Mathews. Enough! Genug!"

I remember seeing Kurt Möll [1938-2017] in an interview with August Everding, and Herr Everding had asked Herr Moll straight out: "Who among the more temperamental personages and directors in the world of opera did you have trouble with?"

Herr Möll had smiled that knockout smile, and then said the same thing, twice, with a pause for emphasis in between.

"I did not have trouble with anyone. I did not have trouble with anyone."

I remember that I thought about that ... one had to account for his sheer professionalism, of course, and also his good looks with the knockout smile, the knockout voice, the warm, friendly temperament ... but also the knockout intelligence ... the man was predicting the movement of composition to personal computing in 1988 because he connected the kind of writing Wagner had done more than one hundred years earlier in how he built his operas to how people used computers to organize data and realized that musicians would be able to be much more productive -- as a 50-year-old man in 1988!

My conclusion about it after thinking about it was, "Oh ... he was too powerful to have trouble with anyone ... that combination of sheer genius on top of that voice and his looks and his winning ways ... petty personalities could not cope with him."

(I also thought: "Self, that is something to aspire to. Avoiding trouble with people from a position of wisdom and knowledge that is above where average troublemakers can reach -- that is something else to be learned!)

Later I found out by studying his version of "Sie hat mich nicht geliebt" that someone, somewhere, had bent portions of three translations in three different languages into one German version for him (or else, three different ones had come from that!) ... no being enraptured by the grave for Herr Moll, and no repetition of the same lines in various places ... although Kipnis and Frick and Adam had done beautiful renderings of the standard text, somebody had agreed to craft a version that would allow Herr Moll to get across the whole character of King Phillip in a single aria and also be truer to the libretto in Italian of Verdi's "Ella giammai m'amo": resting in the tomb, not rescued by the tomb, with maybe just a hair of Lutheran phraseology instead of Catholic for that!

The unique text is brilliantly done ... one sort of hears the echo of the type of mind that might think of composing on a personal computer, sitting there looking over a few translations, choosing portions to put together -- rhyme scheme that Peter Cornelius put together broken, but oh well -- and then smiling that big smile and thinking, "I know I can convince Producer X to do this ... there will be no trouble at all." And there wasn't! The knockout voice, so skillfully handled, just knocked all that out. Between Verdi and Cornelius and some overjoyed producer, he got away with it, and even that is too low a term to understand it. He did what he wanted to do, and carried folks with him, loving it.

And then THIS HAPPENED... Cord Garben, that marvelous pianist and producer so often overlooked, came out playing like he does in the studio version of this, almost Germanically "swinging the eighths" in 9/8 time ... just marvelously done as ever ... but ends up in the Knockout Zone because his partner in this live recital is in a different mood and sings at a much slower tempo ... and so Herr Garben finds himself playing 10/8 time in a few places as he and everyone else gets carried along ...

I thought I knew and loved Herr Moll's "Meeresleuchten" ... but no ... nobody was ready. It was not enough for him to sing about the holy chords coming from Heaven in his recital series that year ... he had decided to send Cord Garben and probably half that room directly on to Heaven instead, where 9/8 time and 10/8 time can be perfectly alternated, and basso profundos who are already doing the most at slow speed with their RIDICULOUSLY beautiful voices can then decide to live their best crooner lives at minute 2:14 ...

After already struggling on my first hearing of this to process the literal bend in time and musical space happening to Cord Garben and everyone else in that room, it was a good thing I was already in bed when I first heard that bit from 2:14 to the end. In bed already is where you want to be when you get your breath snatched, your eyes rolled back, and your entire consciousness relieved of duty for a bit -- when beauty exceeds your physical limit to process it, it's good to at least be in the right place.

That was when I realized: nope, I had no idea who that man was before then. He had said he did not have problems with anyone he had worked with, and surely he did not -- not with that much power. Live, he had bent Cord Garben's mind and fingers in 1986 -- and then reached out and gotten me in 2023 -- and somewhere along there had bent an aria text and a producer and Verdi and Cornelius, and also along there sung Strauss's "Der Einsame" and let us see and feel that black hole there and convinced us he had stepped right off into it because that's just what he had decided to do that day ... because he had the gravitas necessary to do that, just like 9/8 time and 10/8 time just alternated in the orbit of his voice at need!

And all of it was GORGEOUS ... people are still wanting more and still coming up into comments talking about he left here too young, was taken too soon ... YouTube is full of encores, with more added every day!

It is one thing when a man can get away with things. It is another thing when a man can rearrange just about anything around him at will, and leave folks wanting more. It is a good thing that Kurt Möll was born when Germany was returning to righteousness, and that he had the kindly, gentle temperament that he did. It is a blessing indeed that he did not have it in him to make a good villain, so much so that he struggled to even act the part although he could warn about a villain as a storyteller like no one else.

On the other hand, I'm quite certain that he also did not have trouble with anyone because people thought, once, twice, and three times about starting anything -- him joyful was an intense experience, so imagining him angry ... not in most people's plans for experiences they wanted in their lives.

So then, again, imagine ... that was him, mortal ... but now in the role of the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past, with his immortal voice, six-feet-two stature extended upwards a bit to six-foot-forever-and-a-half, and powers in time in space commensurate to what he was able to do in song in terms of picking folks up and taking them to scenes here, there, and everywhere ... and him being just a little bit exasperated with me...

I am going to break this entire pattern up. Get prepared. Get your friends in Q-Inspired prepared. Enough of this overworking and under-celebrating, Frau Mathews. Enough! Genug!

He could have done all of that mortal. That would not have been an idle statement then ... but now ... in the week of Halloween?

I am coming for you, Frau Mathews, perhaps not on the 31st, but I am coming for you. Enough of this.

I hope you my friends in Q-Inspired will understand if maybe, just maybe, I was a little spooked. It is the right week for it, after all...

Part 2: But Then Again, He Had a Point...

Now, I recognize about myself that I am a very stubborn person ... and dynamic ... and full of ideas ... every now and again, it takes a bit more to get through to me because the writing and the music and the people I think about (living and passed on, for that matter, for I am a student of biography and history) ... rarely is my mind quiet, and that works out to a lot creative and community activity. Getting rest and recreation is something I have to apply myself to, or it will not happen. I do need a firm reminder from time to time.

Which brings us around to what had my favorite musician from the afterlife somewhat exasperated... he did not want me to be in the afterlife too soon, and that requires me getting enough rest and nature time, especially with the grief and loss and the triumph and progress all happening at the same time. I tend to get onto the next thing, and there is always a next thing ... stopping and grieving is a necessity, but stopping and celebrating and chilling out while doing it? Still not great at that ... but let's just say that the necessity had been laid out, sort of like a certain Commendatore laid it out for Don Giovanni before hitting that D2 and opening up the pit beneath him!

The open-pit lifestyle is not for me... I'm into the "Habe Dank" lifestyle ... so I did take to heart, in this week of book launches and interviews, to call a half-day halt when all that should have been done on a particular day was done, took time to cook myself a meal that I deeply enjoyed, explored some new music that probably will make its way to Q-Inspired soon enough, and called it a complete day while setting up the next day for half a day off too.

Because I had taken that half day off, and woke up without anything pressing to do, my mind was able to catch up with all that had happened and was happening ... grief there had been much ... but also grace ... so therefore gratitude ... and I had accorded my book launch as I had been led to it: with generosity and giving. The Lord had once said to His twelve disciples: "Freely you have received, freely give." That was not a suggestion. That had been a command. Now, of course, the projected beginning and the end of the next crypto bull run was not quite on the level of good news as the Gospel first entrusted to the disciples concerning salvation in Christ ... but still, the command had echoed in my mind ... and so, STILL, Seizing the Crypto Bull Run for Financial Freedom is STILL free, now just from Amazon for two more days:

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0CLSZHCVG

The last words of Mahler's Lieder eines fahrenden Gesellen are "Love and sorrow! Life and dream!* As I woke up, four words likewise lined up: "Grief and gratitude! Grace and generosity!" Those last three, overtaking the first, had already begun to return to me ... and because I had taken time to rest, joy overtook me. It had been around, balancing off grief's weight all through the year, but I had not felt it strongly because it was doing balancing work, keeping me level and moving away from despair.

I met joy, however, in Creation, by keeping up my walks through spring and summer and half the autumn to refresh myself and physically push through some terrible moments ... I met it in music ... two of the most striking moments had been Herr Moll singing "An die Musik" during what must have been a moment of overwhelming joy for him, and also Herr Karl Ridderbusch and Ms. Jessye Norman singing "Zueignung" with its refrain of "Habe Dank!" I met joy in service, fulfilling my calling in various ways ... it was there ... there was just so much grief and loss also to push through, and also getting my book launch out on time ... but as October ended, all was well there. All was well ... so joy overtook me, when I rested ... I woke on Nov. 1, considered from whence I had come to it, and found myself in tears of joy.

Oct. 31 had been beautiful but I did not have long to be out in it ... Nov. 1 was the half day I planned to make up for that, and it was quite a day to meet if already in a heightened emotional state ... it would have changed my mood for the better to approach Golden Gate Park on an average day like this, but to meet it in the golden-green on this day when already I was so moved ... .

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

Autumn is about six weeks behind in hues because autumn weather doesn't really kick in until December here, and winter cold not until mid-January if at all ... so the changes are just beginning, although winter's heralds are present in cool, shady spots...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... hollies loaded in their glory!

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

Some of summer's heralds gallantly were hanging on as well while autumn's gold sat awaiting me in the background:

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

To even be able to approach Alvord Lake on such a day as this, with its biggest trees tipped bronze ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and more of summer's heralds gallantly on its banks ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and even more of spring's heralds, treating the first of November as if it were the 29th of February, next year ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

The leaves have not yet begun to fall, but through the gaps, the time shows itself as near...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

At other turns, the golden sunshine caught the early gold of the trees around the lake and lit them up through the gaps ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... at other times, the bronze showed more...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and sometimes, it was just about the light...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

Already at this point, I was feeling moments of beginning to be overwhelmed by all five senses encountering such beauty ... you know your mind is going when you think that God put a crane up to frame His latest sky painting ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

It seemed each breath was pushing me toward ecstasy ... but, like when singing, when walking, the body has its own need for oxygen and to keep the mind centered ... to the edge, but not yet past it... I went to my favorite salad bar nearby as part of my enjoyment of the day, and that also required a certain amount of focus.

But when I was ready to sit and eat, this was the seat preserved for me, underneath these two utter beauties of ginkgo, one beginning and the other progressing to gold:

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

Just to look up at that one golden spire, up close --

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

-- to have these things written on the backs of the seats --

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and have this be my view as I ate, prayed, worked in my journal, and noticed that other people looking for seats seemed to be gravitating toward me and the view ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

One man was clearly very poor ... somehow he knew I would not have a fit and be afraid or full of disdain ... this moved me ... but to me, there was plenty of the world to share, and even with the fears of Covid ... but I know how to sit upwind of everyone... it was no problem ... the day itself could not admit of such.

But, it was this little herald of the next spring, so bright my camera could not fully cope with it...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... that came with the realization: to me had been granted, in one day, all the joys of spring, summer, fall, and the seasons yet to come. Things I had seen in passing but not felt because of such grief ... or because of things to be done at times I had not stopped to feel ... I had missed nothing, and in obeying one command -- "Freely ye have received; freely give" -- and remembering and acting on a promise -- "Come unto Me, all ye that labor and are heavy laden, AND I WILL GIVE YOU REST" -- I had been overtaken by another promise: "Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and ALL THESE THINGS SHALL BE ADDED UNTO YOU."

This pushed me beyond the edge of my composure ... and for the first time all day I felt a touch of fear ... for at the extremes, one no longer has that fine control of what one is going to do ... but only for a moment, for it came to mind then also: "And He shall give His angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways." I had heard a portion of a sermon that morning that had reminded me ... for 23 adult years, commuting and traveling alone, my Lord had kept me ... no need to start worrying now.

But, as a bonus ...

Part 3: My Favorite Musician Was Most Fashionably Late for Halloween, But Kept His Word

"Not that you need me today, Frau Mathews, but I did say I was coming for you."

The Ghost of Musical Greatness Past arrived in his first and last operatic costume: the Night Watchman of Wagner's Der Meistersinger ... a small part ... but with it, Herr Moll had opened his fabulous operatic career and then closed it, about 40 years later. A humble entrance, a humble exit ... it so fit the man ... even adjusted as a hiking suit of yesteryear, it still fit ... for his was a small role, this day.

"For have you not availed yourself yet again of the best protection He Who called you provides -- your obedience to His loving commands, including to take rest? How could you be in danger today, having thus placed yourself under His authority and thus His protection?"

Then he lowered his voice to his stage whisper...

"Quiet as it is kept down here, Frau Mathews, I have never been assigned for your protection -- you know the verses about that. I am sufficiently large and mighty in appearance and vocal strength, however, as a placeholder, so others will think once, twice, and three times about what might happen to them should they attempt to breach your actual security at times like this. We would not want anyone to get themselves hurt unnecessarily!"

Folks were giving a WIDE BERTH at that voice ... I would have no more bench sharers that day, even though there was still room!

"That part of your day's gentle mission is over," my companion said, "and mine also is brief, the first part of which is to reinforce what you already know: you are safe to have your joys in full today, Frau Mathews! Do what you need to do!"

So I did ... and forgot my Day Watchman ... he cast no shadow, and so had moved around to not be stared at just for that reason alone ... the biggest scare he gave me all day, despite his rumblings of the previous week, was me finding him in a line of sight I didn't expect when I was ready to give attention to the world again!

"And this is therefore the basis of our little lesson today, brought to you appropriately by a man named 'small' ..."

"Kurt," of course, means short, or small.

"I did not have to come in a slightly more stern, Dickens-ghost frame of work because 'a word to the wise is sufficient' and 'if we would judge ourselves, we would not be judged.' You chose rest on your own, Frau Mathews. Our conversation about it was sufficient -- you took it to heart, and acted. I'm just here for almost the same reason that all these other people were floating by."

He sighed, and such a look of paternal love and mild exasperation came over his face.

"Frau Mathews, you still have to come to terms with something for your future ... you don't spend a lot of time in the mirror, and you don't spend a lot of time thinking about yourself, but as you continue to put in your work out here and in getting those good salads and greens in, you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that YouTube knows something about you that you don't.

"That thumbnail -- look at that radiant woman, glowing in the right colors for her, and in a peaceful setting -- even before hearing all the kind and grateful things she has to say to all the people who helped her to Launch Day, just look! Then understand: you will never know what that looks like to men in this weary world. I was a mortal man, of course -- so I know. And you are out here planning to triple your weight loss in a way that builds your natural physique, in your near-ageless African American complexion, and not yet 43? In your joy?

"For more many years, Frau Mathews, you have been living the life that I sing of, and you read of in the life of Father Beethoven, ever a bachelor, though ... the birds and insects and the little creatures are not afraid of you, and you can speak to them and it seems they understand how not to hurt you so you need not defend yourself ... no dog frightens you, for you know how to speak with them too ... for twenty years, you have been watching the trees and letting them tell you how they are, and where they need human help, and how the seasons are and will be ... when you were eight, you heard clearly what to do in the great Loma Prieta Earthquake and you did it before your mother could get through the house to tell you. In that respect, you would fit into German culture ... but you are from cultures African and Native that are more ancient, and more importantly than that; you have tapped back into your role as steward of Creation as a human being!

"The earth is the Lord's and the fullness thereof; the world, and they that dwell therein," I quoted. "Psalm 24:1."

"The issue is not that you have it memorized, Frau Mathews, although of course I am not surprised -- the issue is that you believe it and you have trusted Him Who said it until you lived it into a deep knowing. So then you are out here surprised when you get served a day worthy to remind you of a day in Eden, the garden of God, looking like one of the flowers there, and now people are coming to get as close to you as they can? And we have not even talked about your art!"

He paused then ... my cheeks were burning so much I thought the temperature had jumped twenty degrees.

"I know this is uncomfortable to you," he said gently, "so let me go around to the point another way: was there a question you wanted to ask me about a certain live performance in 1986?"

"How did you bend this whole day and its effect on me down to three minutes -- and then into fifteen seconds -- and catch up the whole room? How did you decide between your performance of 'An die Musik' and that one to stop singing about the heaven of better times and just start sending folks on?"

He broke out laughing and forgot his English -- "Frau Mathews, warum? Wohin?" -- and was unable to do anything for a good long time but laugh before he could get another word out in any language.

"Your mind, Frau Mathews -- your mind! How else -- where else could anyone even conceive -- you are not supposed to put your Day Watchman out of commission, even temporarily!"

As he rolled laughing, that reminded me of how he had reached out from 1986 and put me out of commission with that recording we were discussing, so ... .

"Oh, la vendetta! I quoted from his utterly hilarious rendering of Don Bartolo planning his revenge in The Marriage of Figaro. "

He fell right off the bench, having not started his roll back in time before he heard that -- but I would not let his head hit the ground and so caught it, and he whipped out an ethereal handkerchief and waved it in the air.

"I surrender, Frau Mathews!" he said, and then laughed hard for another few minutes before being able to continue. "You already have picked up some of the rest of the lesson, because a man would have to think once, twice, and three times before daring the sharpness of your mind to turn anything he gives you right back! They are blessed who have loved you well, and they are blessed whom you chose to leave without revenge, because if a spirit could be utterly knocked out -- the timing on that 'Oh, la vendetta!' "

Both of us were laughing, and by the time one finished, the other one started again ... it took a while before he got up and sat down on the bench again and we just sat there and breathed.

"It's a good thing I don't have ribs to break!" he said.

"It's a good thing I'm only 42, and was warmed up by my walk!"

But again, it was one of those days ... just to be alive, and to feel that sunshine, and even to breathe ... to laugh, to share art ... I came very near to that edge again, and perhaps crossed it, for the sun was perceptibly lower in the sky when I became aware of it again.

My Day Watchman had moved around a little again, his lack of shadow covered by a tree's great one ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and, being the master teacher that he was, he had not forgotten the point he was going toward...

"It escapes your mind for the moment, Frau Mathews, but if you go back and check the dates, my recital of 'An die Musik' is actually the later one in 1986, although you heard it first.

"So, you are mistaken there -- I could not have planned that progression in art because there wasn't one.

"However, what you did pick up, correctly, was what I worked to always do, and that has to do with the nature of art, and music, in particular, and also with my time in history. You have perceived about me, correctly, that I always sought to bring my audience wherever I was ... and since you know there is a promise about that from One greater than I am, you know that is a motivation born of love."

"John 14 ... 'I go to prepare a place for you, that where I am, there ye may be also.'"

He smiled, and then sighed into a colossal smile as the memories rolled ...

"'An die Musik'-- a life of music was the great surprise of my life -- as you have read about me, I planned to be an industrialist, and play cello on the side, never thinking that my unusually deep boyhood voice, small as it was, would grow with me, and somebody would notice. I no more was listening to myself singing in those days than you spend time in the mirror, Frau Mathews -- I understand exactly where you are at this point in your life, from a culture in which women like you are encouraged to believe you are not worth much. That is a lie, but that is how you are much older, and still nearer that stage -- few expect, fewer know how to uphold, and many have resisted women like you coming into their full powers.

"But to return to Schubert's song ... by 1986, the gift to me I didn't expect had become my livelihood in style -- better than an industrial worker's paycheck, although perhaps not better than a business owner, but my business ended up being plenty for me! All I had to do was share the gift given to me with others ... and my voice held up for lead roles for well over 30 years. All I had to do was be a good steward of it all, and make sure that those close to me understood my calling, and that mine and theirs supported each other's. By 1986, a little older than you are now, I realized things had come together ... so you heard me on the edge of my composure, because my joy and my gratitude was so great."

"Now as for Löwe's song that took you and Cord Garben to what you call 'The Knockout Zone': I heard about that 10/8 time after it was all done, but Cord knew I had not done that on purpose. Again: my mind was upon conveying the rarity -- as the song says, only upon the stillest nights in certain regions of the world at certain times of year can one see that phenomenon of what is now known as bio-luminescence -- but in Löwe's time, the scientific explanation was not well-known. Not that it matters: you would still have to be uniquely blessed to have been alive at the right place at the right time ... and you know in German how silent nights and holy nights go together!"

"Right ... 'Stille Nacht' and 'Silent Night' once stopped a world war in its tracks, heard over the battle lines ... one holy night, in that terrible time," I said.

"I was about five or six years old when that happened," he said. "As you might imagine, that was a very early memory of the power of music, for me. Another memory: Maestro Leonard Bernstein, a Jew, smiling with satisfaction, as I, a younger German, sang in Haydn's 'Creation.' Music gets across the lines!"

"That smile of his struck me as well," I said. "It is a remarkable feature of those videos -- that shared joy, in spite of everything."

"Make a mental note there, Frau Mathews. We must return to that point of shared joy -- but, let me retrace my steps back to the privilege of seeing those lights on the ocean: the first privilege is to be alive, and the second, to be able to express it correctly, is to realize: you have been utterly, specially blessed."

He paused, and when he spoke again, his voice had that brilliant vibrato that signaled: he was at the edge of his composure, very close to being overjoyed.

"I lived through World War II, in the nation that started it," he said. "The older I grew, the more I realized: life itself is a precious gift. I lived to see what you yet pray that your whole nation will do: Germany took its humiliation, reached back to its older foundation, humbled itself, and repented ... and found grace to help in its time of need. I was born in what would become West Germany, too, which would allow me to become world famous. Voices as lovely as mine, just a little way across that hated wall--!"

He paused for a moment, and I waited patiently, as he so often had done with me.

"I did not choose my life for myself," he said at last. "I did not even choose to be a singer: that found me. I knew that I was going to help rebuild my nation, and take care of my family -- in boyhood, I knew that much about why I had lived ... but I did not foresee the glorious manner it would be given to me to do ... to be Germany's representative to the world, to show the mercy given it was not in vain ... I lived to do that ... and by 1986, there was hope that perhaps, perhaps I would live to see Germany reunited again!"

"Now that's what I call a good 51st birthday present," I said. "You did indeed live to see it, in 1989!"

"Frau Mathews, you cannot imagine and I cannot express it ... the joy I experienced in my life ... but I do not have to explain it to you. At last today, a little younger than I was in 1986, you know why I could hardly contain myself. Now you know how it is that I could carry just about everyone -- joy carries, Frau Mathews! It carries the one who expresses it, and the one to whom it is expressed if that heart is open! Now you know what it is -- to be alive, to be called as you are, to be gifted as you are, to be as beautiful as you are, and to have joy overtake you!"

"Oh, so that was --."

His whole career, and why he could do anything he wanted, and had no trouble with anyone -- joy was irresistible. Ah ha.

The problem was, though, that even a human soul in its immortality sometimes met his limits. If I break down, that's no problem. I don't have a voice that can flatten a city. On the other hand...

Part 4: Even Immortal, Human Limits are Human Limits

My companion stood up suddenly and shook himself -- but there was a hint of a shimmer about that shake, and a bit of a groan that shook the ground beneath us before he spoke again, in clearly restrained volume.

"I did not account for a day like this affecting me so much in conjunction with what a delight you are, and all those memories of gratitude -- 78 years is more than three-quarters of a century, and I enjoyed my life. So like you had to keep walking earlier to keep from passing out, let us get moving toward your home, Frau Mathews, because I am too close to singing out in full immortal voice, and also losing my dimmers, sitting here."

"Dimmers?"

"It is brighter above than here," he said. "How much I cannot tell you -- as the Apostle Paul said, it is unlawful to even attempt it -- eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, and I cannot break that Word. Let us just say that only in moments of extreme memory of grief can I even approach the figure of my last years here, and if you look at me, I am getting younger and stronger and more radiant in appearance by the minute."

Sure enough -- he had come at around 60, but he now looked to be about 40, and in a state of health that few men even at 20 enjoyed -- almost preternaturally radiant.

"Well, like you said, let's walk!" I said, and off we went, he whipping up a pair of hiking poles to go with his hiking suit of yesteryear.

The day refused to cooperate, however ... the sights were still far too lovely ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and then butterflies started congregating as we marveled at more of summer's gallant heralds ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and flowers that appeared to be nearly dying came up with nectar for a long drink for one of them...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and I realized when I had come from my amazement... the fabric of space and time was bending yet again ... such things happened to me on such days, but my companion who in mortal life had bent space and musical time was now standing very still and trembling ... now 35 years old at the most. He was no longer in the flesh, but of course, it was the inner man that had made him who he was ... the warm, sensitive artist, possibly even an empath, to have been able to give so much to every character he had played or sung in order to bring out his best idea of who that character was to the hearts of his listeners. In the body, his soul had just carried folks, sent folks, knocked folks out ... now in his immortal form -- but barely able to hold it in check for Earth work -- the flowers nearest him had begun to bend in his direction, against the wind!

"Oh, we gotta go!" I said, and started out, letting him catch up with his much longer strides.

So we paced each other until autumn just pounced again ... one did have to stop at car crossings ...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and at the stop signs...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and then autumn just wouldn't give us any kind of a break...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

I mean, no kind of a break ... half the light in the sky looked like it was ready to fall on us here, with the still-dark leaves and that light pole just barely able to hold all that gold all back...

Photo by the author, Deeann D. Mathews, November 1, 2021

... and then the bubble bicycle man came by for the second time in one afternoon. I couldn't believe it or get my phone out fast enough for the first time or the second ... but that second time, with the butterflies, the golden light and leaves, and now, hundreds of little twinkling rainbow lights all around us, reflecting all the autumn colors ... Pixabay was kind enough to loan me a picture that expresses the color contrast of bubbles with autumn colors reflecting ...

Image by PublicDomainPictures from Pixabay

That just about did it for both of us ... but fortunately, he somehow had no bulk, but quite a bit of strength, and also volume, so I could just reach around him with just enough arm's length to physically remind him that he was still on Earth, and had to keep it just enough together ... and he knew that if I just went off and did what people in my culture did in church when the joy was too full, he was going to get swept as well and everybody in San Francisco was going to wherever they had prepared their soul to be ... so we just held on until it came to mind what I should say...

"See what happens when you try to haunt folks? You were no good at being a villain in real life, but you let yourself thunder at me like you were coming for me like some Dickens-type truly scary fictional ghost for Halloween and showed up today like even you were ready for all this -- fine mess you've gotten us into, Herr Moll!"

He just pulled out the handkerchief with the arm not holding me and waved it in the air, and we laughed until we cried and the world had come down to something like the usual intensity again. We were still having little fits of laughter, all the way to my steps.

Part 5: But Don't Tell Him He Can't Get His Job Done, Though...

"Well, Frau Mathews, I must say I have learned my lesson!! The general rule is that Earth, by comparison to Heaven, is a place of great sorrow -- and it is -- but much depends on the company one keeps, and if one is in the company of a young lady overtaken by joy granted her from Heaven, one can get swept if one has the tendency to get carried away anyhow!"

"I don't know how you thought this Dickens-type ghost thing was going to work for you anyway!" I said. "In your mortal life you were rolling your head around on Haydn like I do sitting on the piano bouncing those bass lines on gospel songs -- you used to sweep yourself, to say nothing of everyone else!"

He smiled ... but then that twinkle in his eyes ... that knockout intelligence of a man 41 years my senior, intent on his stated purpose from the previous week, all along ... his opening had come!

"Your father is my senior by just two years, so as he says, mein kind, I don't always remember what I forgot."

My father is a tenor ... so that said two octaves down, and pitch-perfect ... it was a good thing I was at the bottom of my steps, or I would have rolled laughing all the way down and had to step up home ... but no ... he was on a roll, remembering where I had drawn the analogy from since the show current in his time ...

"Do not attempt to adjust your television set or Hive community," he said, pitch-perfectly an octave down from Rod Serling, host of The Twilight Zone. "You have now entered ... the Knockout Zone."

He paused for effect, and then gave the well-known Twilight Zone motif, note-perfect way up in his huge falsetto: "Doobeedoodoo Doobeedoodoo Doobeedoodoo Doobeedoodoo ..."

I was gone laughing. Done. Toast. He snatched me right up, like any sufficiently large Dickens-style ghost would have -- and I didn't have a handkerchief so I waved my scarf.

"Never count a man like me out, Frau Mathews -- I may take my time, but I told you exactly what I was going to do last week, did I not? You will be laughing for another week about that, and you will never even think of The Twilight Zone again without hearing me -- be thus haunted, Frau Mathews, and blessed, because this is a pattern-changing day of joys that you shall have for a long time!"

"You got me," I said as he carried me up my stairs. "I give you best -- bravo, Herr Möll!" I said. "The setup for the knockout and snatchup -- brilliant!"

"One last corollary, Frau Mathews," he said gently. "Remember that before my arrival through the portal of imagination, your non-fiction route to keep folks practically from getting into your lap today was to do that walk home. All those butterflies and bubbles and autumn becoming almost a psychedelic experience -- that was your non-fiction experience. My role from the great beyond was actually very small.

"So then, Frau Mathews, as you continue to choose wisdom and obedience to Him to Whom You are called, and continue to be wise in choosing your mortal companions in the future, bear in mind that you have the same power that I had. You can carry people ... but you must choose only those to be close to you who cast no shadow, who add to the light, who also know what it is to live and love and work in such a way that they, too, are overtaken by joy, and you may have it with them, not for them. I said to you two weeks ago: art and service are for you to do through love, and also love through you -- now add with it: you through joy, and joy through you.

"Any person who can master those two things also then has to learn to deal with the crowds, for they will come like a stampede to love and joy -- and on top of that, Frau Mathews, you are a woman, and at any age, your joy will be a powerful adornment to your beauty.

"You enjoy being alone, setting your own schedule, communing with God, creating -- but you will have to give some thought to managing being more of a public figure and dealing with humanity at that much larger scale. You also will need to determine how intent you are in remaining single. I am telling you in advance, as the spirit of a man who was once in the flesh and remembers meeting the love of my life and how I would have stopped at nothing of this earth to make her mine: unless God has made special protective provision concerning you such that it cannot happen, I assure that you are going meet men in the near future who are going to experience you in your joy and stop at little to nothing, for reasons and by methods good and bad. If you are inclined to remain single, but you are open to an exception to the rule, you need to both determine the standards for the exception and how you are going negotiate rejecting all of the rest. If you intend to remain single, then you will have to negotiate rejecting even the best suitor that comes to you.

"Because your heart is tender still, Frau Mathews, for your own sake, you must begin to prepare yourself for the crowd, and for half of that crowd in particular."

"I don't even like to think about that part of it," I said. "There is nothing any mortal can give me that can match the joy of this day -- certainly the crowd never can. Now, I have been in love, sincerely ... ."

I stopped ... the memory of my grand old soldier, and how we would have enjoyed a day like this ... if only he had not been too old, and I too young ... the pain was there still ... but still ... that would have been a different day than this ... there had been many wonderful days ... but not this.

"I stand firm on what I said," I said at last. "If God had meant for me to have shared such a day, I would have -- but it is not so!"

"It was not so," my ethereal companion gently corrected, "but you are not as old as you sometimes think you are, Frau Mathews. You are not yet 43, so if you intend to shut that door, then you must get prepared to shut it. You cannot avoid your way around it forever -- you are too vibrant in your joy, and too beautiful, and also, too kindly and peaceful! You were in the middle of a little groundswell of attention already, and not just in Golden Gate Park."

"You've noticed, huh?" I said.

"I notice everything your subconscious mind notices, Frau Mathews, as an extension of your imagination ... but that also means I am the echo of at least three humans and One much bigger voice than mine, telling you gently: pay attention, and reconnect with your elder woman mentors that Covid-19 took you from regular fellowship with ... whose advice you are half-remembering and carrying out anyhow -- faithfully, even half-remembering, but

"You are on the verge of a much different life. You will need to learn to navigate all that comes with that. You are getting your alerts now. Men -- even with children -- practically trying to sit in your lap ... Creation's creatures settling in comfortably around you ... this new book on a subject that is guaranteed to take off in the next two years -- the fabric of time and space is already bending, Frau Mathews. The gravity of a bonafide star appears to be the cause!"

"Oh no," I said. "I'm not sure I want that!

He smiled with gentle patience.

"I remember the day greatness found and pounced like this autumn day on a friendly but humble, unpretentious young man, not quite prepared ... the burden of the responsibility was staggering, and maybe even a little spooky ... but his shoulders would grow to fit, and had been set to do so from before the foundation of the world. The joy, too, would grow to fit. You think of yourself as a little woman, Frau Mathews, but even a little star is very bright."

He then, in a single step, carried me up with him to stand on the atmosphere of the Earth, viewing the starry heavens. He had done that by going into the double-deep range of his voice ... black as a moonless midnight, spangled with the entire Milky Way because he still had vibrato and volume control all the way down there. Best believe the Knockout Zone will have you seeing stars ...

Image by Pexels from Pixabay

"A double riddle for you, mein kind, to which you may apply your deep spiritual wisdom ... by what path may a mortal travel that she may see the light of a star that created itself, Frau Mathews? Or, though there be nebulae and dust clouds many, how many stars -- even the littlest ones -- may for an instant hide their light without their Maker's permission?"

"Not in this heaven or any that may be can such things ever be, Herr Möll."

"Then, mein kind, you have your answer also, even if you think yourself a little woman, for did you not boldly quote to me Psalm 24:1 about this world below us, and Who it belongs to?"

"I did, indeed."

"How may it then be that you cannot be all that you were created to be? How may it then be that you would dare shrink back and hide, when His glory is meant to be revealed in your life?"

I sighed ... but he had me dead to rights.

"No such things can ever be, Herr Möll. Through too many dangers, toils, and snares I've already come ... His grace has brought me safe thus far, and will lead me home, past those fears of mine. That's how I've got to see it."

And upon that admission, much of the fear was left behind me in the darkness as I was once again at my door in the sunshine. I felt much relieved about the crowds that might be coming along ... and even half that crowd ... I was going to have to prepare myself, and work on the deeper roots of those fears, but as when I had pushed onward to the right path to the top of the hill, and on this day taken the rest I had needed to, the right decision in how to think about it had led to joy overtaking me, on the way.

It took me another half-second to realize I was quite alone ... but a mild roll of thunder that had my neighbors checking their phone to see if a thunderstorm could come out of cirrus clouds was just double-deep basso profundo from a long way off...

"You are on your way now, Frau Mathews ... from a little man who went down the same road before you, and knows you will also make it, though you see yourself as a little woman. Lebewohl, mein kind."