Processing, Feeling, Dancing, then Letting it all Go

Beautiful egrets enjoying a sunny day in the wetlands!

"The first thing upon which we should meditate is our precious and fleeting human life. Hard to obtain and easy to destroy; I will now give it meaning."
— Kalu Rinpoche

In the past week, I was informed of the deaths of 3 people I knew, some of them intimately. Breast cancer, stabbing, suicide. Needless to say, grief has been showing up in my heart. Whether it's a choice that we end our lives or not, it's reminding me of how temporary our lives are, and how vulnerable we are to changes outside of our control.

Meanwhile, being in right relationship with my past shadows and the endless roars of the world continue to be a humbling yet important journey. Opening up to romantic love has been a push-pull experience for me, where I fluctuate daily between joy and liberation, and deep insecurity and fear. I turned down teaching opportunities in the Fall, both at San Francisco State and in my master's degree program at Sonoma State. Saying no often feels like the equivalent of being in a plank position with a huge elephant running in place on my back. Especially when I'm saying no to opportunities where I have a meaningful opportunity to make a difference. Yet this past year, I've said no to countless projects and opportunities. Every time I do, the elephant on my back feels smaller. Plus, my current work is totally calling me out of my comfort zone, and I want to be fully present for this creative process I'm in.

My sensitivity to life can feel like an epic love-hate relationship. It allows me to be a quality friend, lover, and healer. It brings depth and wonderful insight to my everyday life. The flip side of the coin is a world of overthinking, taking things too seriously, struggling to let go of energies that aren't mine to contain, and allowing fear to get the best of me. I just want to shake myself and say "get the fuck over your shit!"

Sometimes I like to think of what an older, and (hopefully) wiser Amber would say to her current, 27-year-old self. I imagine she'd chuckle at her youthfulness and compassionately wonder why she puts so much unnecessary pressure on herself to be perfect. She'd want to remind her younger self that being soft and vulnerable is a strength. I think she'd also be proud of where young Amber is, and all that she's done to grow and heal. And that maybe this struggle is simply what she needs to go through at this time in her life.

Re-discovering and watching the absurdity of Trailer Park Boys over again has been glorious. Literally giggling myself to tears all by myself in my bed, this show is bringing me back to life in ways that any spiritual or emotional wellness practice can't :') This show easily makes it into my Top 5 favorite shows of all times hahaha.

This morning, I danced for the last time before I head to Minneapolis tomorrow, to visit my wonderful man for several days. I am nervous, excited, and so so so grateful that this is finally happening.

Anyways, I value that I have this blog space to let some of these complicated inner thoughts come out. I feel better already. Enjoy the video!