Bring me to Tears Please.

The following is a rewrite of an old article, originally titled I am Sentimental after all. I didn't intend to expand on it so much, but if you want the 2 minute version, feel free to check it out

The video links in the article may not work. If not check the comment section...in fact go there now if you want to listen to music while you read.

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I am easily moved to tears. I can cry twice a day if you play the right music or tell me the right story. Nothing about crying feels sad or unbearable to me. Life is what it is, and crying feels like a release to me.

I don’t need a shoulder to cry on. I don’t need support. I’m ok. I just need a private place to cry my face off when looking at certain realities or imagining various possibilities.

I would prefer to cry in private. I’ve gotten over my fear of what people might think of me, but I still have to deal with the consequences of people thinking I might be unhinged as a man crying in public, or worrying that something is serious or not. Nothing is wrong. It’s also distracting to have things going on when you are having a moment with yourself.

I distinctly remember what it felt like to hold in my tears whenever they started to well up. I can only imagine the amount of stress my body and mind must have endured to hold in the cortisol trying to escape my eyes for two decades of my life.

Because I was somewhat numbed, I probably didn’t even realize half the times I wanted to cry. But I remember watching movies and trying very hard to distract myself so that I wouldn’t cry in public. I remember how much anger I felt being forced to sit in the classroom against my will, and I can only wonder how much of that anger would have softened if I had been allowed to spend half the class in the bathroom sobbing.

Part of the reason for holding it in was that “Boys don’t cry” mentality that was never forced onto me but was subtly conveyed through the behavior of others. The boys around me didn’t cry, and if they did, they certainly weren’t the kids who were respected.

Most of it was due to the morphine soaked numbed reality that the people around me were living in. I was always considered “sensitive”, even when I didn’t cry. I never understood it. I took it as an insult. It was an insult. They were calling me weak.

Now I realize that it was my strength.

Sensitivity is a weakness only if when our ego is not kept in check. It is a superpower once we learn how to protect ourselves and how to channel the energy that we are constantly interacting with.

But that’s a story for another day. Today I just want to focus on the art of crying and what makes me cry. While stories can be the most powerful tools to induce emotional release, songs can do it even quicker when they hit the right notes.

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There are two kinds of songs or stories that always hit me the hardest. The first are about the passage of time, saying goodbye to the moments that will never visit again.

Time is a funny little mind trick, while I intuitively feel that it is an illusion, I haven’t found a way to experience past moments as vividly as I felt them the first time around.

I believe that “the universe constantly expanding” is us experiencing each moment for the first time, that life is the experience of outward expansion, that we are riding on the waves of that outward expansion, and that when we die, we stop experiencing time as linear.

All moments constantly exist at once, as do all possible moments, but we are surfing out on the edge of existence where the flow can only pull us in one direction, “the future”.Still, living within this realm where we are confined to the concept of past and future, the passage of time is something that always evokes emotion in me. To miss something or someone, to know that you can never go back, or the transient nature of life itself…

The second kind of song or story that hits me like a freight train are those that make me feel nostalgic for a place I have never been. It’s a feeling of home that I’ve never really known in this body, even though I’ve come close a few times.

In my dreams I see places that feel more like home than anywhere I’ve ever been…a valley at the foot of a mountain far bigger than the Himalayas, a tree at the top of a hill, a town that is a culmination of many places I’ve been and seen, a place where memories are stored and all cultures blend seamlessly, everyone is at peace and happy to be there despite it’s imperfections.

I don’t know what these dreams are. Visions from a past life? An emotional blueprint of the future? Images from a different timeline somehow connected to this one?

In any case, this feeling of nostalgia never leaves me. The fact that I’ve relocated so many times and haven’t seen some of my closest friends in years only adds to it…but the deepest feelings of nostalgia are the ones I can’t explain, for places I’ve never been in this body, for a home I have never been.

The first half of my life was spent looking for that home, but now, the second half is about creating creating it with my own hands.

I’ve subconsciously been on this path since I was born, but now I realize that everything I do is in service to this and that everything else is periphery.

Here are a few songs that evoke these kinds of feelings in me. They are just a few of many.

風神125 - 交工樂隊 (Wind God 125 by Jiaogong)

Songs that feel connected to nature tend to evoke that feeling of longing for a home that I’ve never know. Traditional folk music from all over the world tends to feel connected to nature, and some modern bands also tap into this. This is a 70’s band from Taiwan, and this song really really hits the spot for me. The music starts at about 1:00. I actually haven’t paid attention the lyrics at all while listening to this song, I don’t speak Hokkien, only Mandarin, but I think many songs express the message even without the lyrics, as do the one’s I’ve posted here.

When We Remain by Samantha Crain

I’m a little shy to admit that I learned this song from the Marvel Cinematic Universe. While it’s far from something that really inspires me, the nostalgia for these characters is there and when I saw that Echo was about Native American culture, I jumped on it. I grew up without any direct contact with Native American culture but a deep sense that nature was speaking to me. I had always wanted to connect with a culture which honored such ideas rather than reject them like my own, but I left the country before ever connecting with native people. Anyway, this song was by far the best take-away from that show. It hit hard when I didn’t know the lyrics, and when I saw the translation (included here), it hit 100 times harder. What a beautiful song!

Become a Mountain by Dan Deacon

Dan Deacon is a unique creature, and one of the few artists who makes art that connects with the different poles of my personality. He has both manically excited songs, ambient meditative songs, and songs that reflect on life. Many of his songs are about the the beauty of life but also the beauty of death. This is one of the few songs where the lyrics really enhance the music and make me want to cry.

玉珍 - 福禄寿 (Yuzhen by Fulushou / FloruitShow)

Probably the most interesting band in China right now, now working under the name DOUDOU, after one of the 3 sisters left the band. While I initially felt attracted to their music because they mix meditative Buddhist chanting with etheric electronic music and rock, this song hits hard. It hit hard and then I checked the lyrics (which I could understand about a third of), and learned it was about their grandmother who passed. Just thinking about the way we miss the people we love, on one side of the coin can make us feel life is cruel but on the other makes us realize that life is so beautiful and full of gifts that we could feel so deeply about another person.

I HIGHLY recommend their other songs too!

When I talk about this I realize it makes a lot of sense that I ended up based in East Asia. I think this part of the world has a LOT of songs that fit both styles of songs that bring me to tears. Everywhere has them but, I find more of them from Japan than anywhere else. Many of the anime and game stories like also evoke similar emotions. Made and Abyss, Children of the Sea, Natsume Yujincho, Paprika and Nier (or even some more mainstream stories like those from Ghibli and Makoto Shinkai) are deep explorations of the Darkness that are really about the light that shines in the darkness, the hope that is always there if we are willing to dig deep enough. This journey always involves loss, but ends with appreciation.

For that reason I avoided putting any Japanese songs on this list. There will be another list specifically for exploring Japanese songs that bring me to tears. I have a list ready that is absolutely devastating, and I can’t wait to share it with you eventually.

My own music tends to hit on these strings of nostalgia. The next video I am working on will be no different. Currently browsing through beautiful moments that will never come again, but that make me glad that I came to this mysterious blue dot floating in space.

And my first video is an exploration of the countryside and a story of setting off on an adventure:

Art vs. Artist by I+Everything

• Untangled Knots / I+Everything

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