Wantful
... is not a word, but exists regardless.
It's a feeling. A state of being that you enter and leave less and less. All this while, I've distinguished things I thought worth pursuing, only to realize now it's not things I'm after, and I'm becoming increasingly convinced it's not people, either. Rather, it's this interim state of wantfulness.
Which often merges into wantonness, and lands us both into considerable trouble. I play with words to make them weigh a little less, afraid they'll check my luggage at the gate and have me pay extra for the things I didn't know how to leave.
I'm often struck by people who're able to speak of their desires like things that don't cower them. For me, always, desires have been tsunami-like in nature. It's not that I can't resist temptation. It's just that mostly, I don't really want to.
Despite all the things I've learned, I'm drawn to it - carving my existence inside this frightful magnetism. My life, the last decade of it, has been a fantastic mosaic of wantfulness. Of people, of names that did not belong, of trinkets to hang about mine ears. Of things. And yet, it's not the wanting I'll ruin myself for, but the state of abandon. This promise that I might, if I'm not careful, lose myself completely.
I like myself well enough, but long to get lost, also. I like to tempt fate, even though I'm getting a bit too old now and should know it's not worth tempting.
Does that make any sense to you at all, or is it just me?
"Stars, hide your fires. Let not light see my black and deep desires."
When people look at it and only see the tragedy, I tell myself they're not my kind of people. They're the sort that can safely exist within the confines of their clear-headed decisions and have always known how to do so. The people who stop. Whose desires are really nothing more than self-important whims and can, if needs be, easily be quelled.
Me, I understand finding something on the roadside and wanting it so desperately, you let yourself lose all. Even where you thought you were a good man only the minute before. I can picture losing good.
I picture being consumed by how your wants turn out. Being sorry for the many worthwhile things you sacrificed, and at the same time, not being sorry for wanting. Being ashamed, but not enough to stop you from going after what you want. No, me neither.
I am... wantful. Even if it means bringing this house down around your ears.
Enough words. Too much words. Music now. It's Tuesday. And @ablaze is always so wonderful. I read him then forget to comment. Lose my head. I told you so. Anyway, hiya!
I think the first time I heard this, I was 15 or 16. And I fell in love with it immediately. That growled ~
Make me wonder who's in charge
~ the essence of this feeling that I'm trying to describe to you. And failing miserably.
This, I only just found, but it sounds like how abandon feels like and I'm blasting it through the walls while we still got walls.
And this, a tethering.
What are you listening to? :)
Do you often sweeten your morning coffee with a teaspoon of Shakespeare? Let me infuse a bit of Kerouac from when he was On the Road (and finding things on the roadside):
You don't? :P it came to mind while writing, that's all. In my opinion, it's a better quote than the more popular ones like the witch bits or the out damn spot one.
♥️
I like that. Thank you. And unsurprisingly, resonate a great deal. I want those people too, although they're often far more demanding and confusing than regular folk. Even managed to get a spider reference in there. Clever. :)
It indeed is :)
And it didn't even take long to find it :) Oh, good ol' Jack :)
There's nothing at all wrong with wanting to truly experience life! I hope that never ends for you as long as you walk the Earth. A life lived with passion is quite a bit more rare than you might think.
last few days, a song about Poppies you and me. it starts nice, with a dream, it escalates quickly to something chaotic and to be honest even with listening to it a lot of times i have no real idea how it ends. To be honest i am not even sure is it a song about drugs, love, life, death...
I was waving my camera in the all wrong ways so i am trying to fix it in editing. so listening to it until it gets boring and a bit more. or until i convince my self that finished is always better then perfect.
Finished is better than perfect.
What do you feel it's about for you? All that matters.
Maybe shakey blurry pictures have their charm too. Did you fix it?
This is a chart that is probably only funny to photographers :D
i came to realization that 80% of consumers are at everything is pretty phase :D most viewed video we filmed for Kronika is the one where i slipped on a pile of snow and almost fell (it is in the video, no one noticed) and guitar player was constantly electrocuted because cables were in the snow.
i didn't like it, spent hours trying to stich multiple takes together, made no sense as it was live audio recording. in the end we just published it as it is.
would i be showing it proudly to other videographers? Probably not.
on the flip side, one that i do like, was maybe a bit too weird for the general public :D
sure they do. For example that photo of you and Nina has a lot of wrong technically. It is out of focus, messy background, maybe a more grain than most accept in digital age. but i never thought about any of it when i saw it.
Thing is, i have 6 more songs filmed more or less the same :D didn't even want to look at the footage till i get the audio for them. No need to torture my self twice :D
It can't be fixed, just patched. And it is as it is.
I was going to say. I know the way I look at photos. I think that's true about a lot of the arts. We know professionals will spot the little incongruencies and mistakes, but most people won't. And are we creating for public enjoyment or for expert nitpicking? :)
I laughed at the graph :) I'm at the everything is pretty phase for sure, too.
Shh. Why tell me that? I love that picture and won't hear anything against it. It's real. Reality is wrong technically. No?
You know you'll find something or other wrong with them anyway, so my advice would be let yourself go a bit. :)
my latest theory is that all the social media stuff will have to regress in filming quality so people don't think it is AI made :)
well perfection in nature is probably an anomaly :D
Ha! That's a clever take on it for sure. Oh well. Blurry 2000s videos, here we come.