I'm trapped
I'm trapped.
I'm stuck in a dimension of gray apathy. Why? I don't know.
Or maybe I do know, but I'm always afraid to say it. Because this block is my fault, but it's also the fault of circumstances. And when I'm in this state, I always find it very difficult to break free. These circumstances seem unshakeable and unchangeable to me, and I feel powerless. I am unable to change them, I can only wait for them to change on their own. And when they change to a more favorable situation, then I will be able to break free and move on.
Yeah, right...
Then there's the part that concerns my own fault. I'm stuck because I allow myself to feel bad, to reduce myself to this condition. Because I'm lazy. Because I let myself be overwhelmed. It's my fault because I have total responsibility for managing my own being and getting out of this state of apathy. If only I had enough willpower to get moving and start again, I would solve the problem.
Yeah, right...
And so the excuses keep coming. The two sides feed off each other: I think I have the strength to get back on my feet, but these unfavorable circumstances make me feel bad, so what's the point?
Then one day the circumstances will become favorable again, but I know myself. I'm too lazy and careless to make the effort to get back on track. And I'll get angry with myself:
"You're a stupid jerk. You always make excuses and then complain that you don't have time to do what you wanted to do. Even though you know it will make you feel good, that you'll be satisfied when the job is done."
I get so angry. With myself. The angrier I get, the more depressed I become and slip into this downward spiral of self-pity where everything loses meaning.
I get angry because I know how to solve it. I get angry because even though I know, I can't find the strength to act. I get angry thinking about the time I'm wasting.
But is this time really wasted?
I wonder how much this condition is due to the hyper-productive times we are living in, or if it's just a result of my own nature. After all, it had been a long time since I had relaxed a little by playing video games. I have to compose, I have to produce new music. Because my music is my life. But what happens when you don't feel like living? I don't even hear the music anymore. Maybe taking a break from the production process and playing for a few days is what I need to calm down, reset my brain, and start again with a fresh mind when the time is right. Too bad I'm not composing new music for more than two months right now...
Should an artist always make music to define themselves, or can they also stop for a moment without being any less of an artist? We live in a strange world: I should only make music when I feel like it, because if I make it because I HAVE TO, it probably won't be good music, right?
But at the same time, if I don't make music all the time, I disappear and am forgotten, right? How can I live in a world where both of these statements are true at the same time?
And that's where the anxiety comes from. The anxiety that while I'm playing games, it reminds me that I should be producing. The anxiety that while I'm producing, it tells me, “Take a break every now and then, nothing bad will happen!”
And just like so, I always feel bad.
I'm trapped. Where are the keys?
Penso sia uno stato d'animo che accomuna molte persone che lavorano in campo artistico, sia musicale che altri ambiti. Quello che descrivi mi ricorda moltissimo le sensazione che talvolta provo pure io, ma che con l'età ho imparato (quasi) ad accettare. Credi sia un po' ingenerato dalla tipologia di lavoro, che ti mette sempre a confronto con te stesso, con le tue aspettative, con le aspettative degli altri e che, comunque vada, è un lavoro h24, che nel bene e nel male lascia poco spazio a momenti diversi. L'essere arrabbiati con se stessi, sentire di non fare abbastanza, vedere tutto con un filtro negativo e vorresti solo dormire. Quando succede a me cerco di forzarmi a posare i pennelli e fare qualcosa di diverso, così, senza scopo che non sia quello di far deviare il pensiero. A volte funziona. Un abbraccio grande! ^_^
Già, il mio problema è l'attrito iniziale che incontro quando mi voglio rimettere all'opera. Mi sono staccato dalla composizione musicale per più di due mesi ma purtroppo questo non ha davvero significato "staccare" perché la mia mente è sempre occupata da pensieri che riguardano il mio futuro da musicista. E riprende il ritmo quotidiano di composizione per me è molto faticoso
88 of them can be found on a traditional grand piano. I know this is not the sort of key which you are searching for, or the key in which a song is written. But, if you find them, there's a start, and then with the progressions, there's a way out from one key to the next. Now that I have expressed all of my knowledge of the structure of music, I can refer to some of the other points in your post.
You are not forgotten. In fact, people still listen to old, obscure music that probably hasn't had a whole bunch of plays.
I still listen to a band that opened for another band I was interested in and saw. That brand has broken up, but I tracked down some of the members on instagram to see what they were up to. They're still making music. They would not have forgotten about that time, that band that transient moment in their careers.
I didn't tell them that I remembered them, but I listened to their song and I remembered them. You won't know them, but now you can remember this story.
I think that there are a few different schools of music making - there are those who do it to define themselves. I'm a musician, I'm an artist, I'm a writer, I'm an arsehole, or whatever they are. Then there are those who create whatever they create and they become defined.
There is of course, the theory that creatives cannot create unless they are miserable. That works for some, but I think I have been at my most proliic when I have been happy, even if I am writing about / photographing / conceptualising miserable, dark, macabre subjects.
Hapiness isn't a cure, it is merely a state of mind.
When I'm sad I generally write good lyrics very easily. But to open up Cubase and start composing I require a good mood, because I need to think, find solutions, craft sounds and so on.
I'm more prolific when I have peace of mind. So I feel like I have to find that before going back to work
Sorry to hear you feel that way. It is very brave of you to share your feelings like this but I know that there are others in the same situation that probably feel less alone when knowing others feel like this.
I hope you can find your 'mojo' again soon. I tend to find that I spend too much time just looking at stuff online and not enough actually doing things. What can inspire me is finding a good drum lesson to play along with. I saw my teacher last night where I played through some Tool (a simplified version) and ZZ Top. That was fun even if I am not likely to perform those for anyone else right now. I want to expand my skills so I can play with anyone.
Rock on!
I'm easy anyway because I know it's just a matter of time to get back on track. It could happen sooner than I think
That’s a really bad place to be in. Nothing will ever seem to be enough. Just focus on becoming better at what you do every time you do it.
!PIMP
@hopestylist here!