Hypersensitivosaurus and Cold Turkey - To coffee or not to coffee? that is the question.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...
I had a coffee, today.
And, worst of all,
I liked it.
Almost 3 weeks ago, I quit coffee, the hard way, when I fell sick. More on that in hypersensitivosaurus going 'cold turkey' again
In the last 15 days or so, I had a decaf (sometimes 2 ), each day, and I ate one single chocolate bar, with a nice percentage of cacao and, apparently, caffeine, spread out over multiple days.
This morning I decided to treat myself to a small, strong coffee. I drank a lemon ( rasp ) tea, at the same time and had some bread with cheese and butter on the side.
I brought my laptop along to work some more on Hypersensitivosaurus and Cold Turkey, my book that is nearing completion, almost 2 years after the original idea came to me.
Here's a link to the original blog post, from March 14th 2021, that inspired this book: Cold Turkey on the Rocks - Shaken not Stirred
It's kind of a shame how my mood improved after this one single coffee. It's like all of my mental struggles were suddenly gone, my focus returned to me with full force and everything felt easier.
I felt happier.
It sure is an antidepressant.
And as someone who has struggled - and still struggles - with depression and tries to deal with this without meds, I am a little disappointed about this.
I am disappointed that I seem to need coffee to feel good.
Perhaps coffee is my medicine?
Kind of a shame, as I was trying to quit coffee and curious what would happen with my brain, how it would rewire in a year's time.
Would I perhaps become a superhuman, no AI needed?
Now I'm tempted to get back to a coffee per day.
This is still a lot less than the amount I used to drink, probably closer to 4 coffees or so, as I used to make coffee at home, with my percolator and drink the entire thing, sometimes in one sitting. Occassionaly, I drank double the amount or I had another coffee or two, outdoors, later in the day.
Just now, Spotify picked up on my brainwaves and picked a song out of my many, many favorites. A song titled 'Blue Chicago Moon'.
I didn't know the title, but I knew that it's from a band called 'Songs Ohio'. I am also aware that the lead singer committed suicide, years ago. You can hear the sadness and heavy emotions, whenever he sings. Love his voice though!
Here's a clip that I found of him playing Blue Chicago Moon live:
Correction. I just double checked, the guy died from liver failure ( due to alcohol addiction, when he was only 39 years old ), back in 2013. I sense that he struggled from depression too, though.
Anyhow, this wasn't meant to become a sad post, but the reason why this song got my attention, while writing all this, is because of a part of the lyrics:
"And the endless, endless, endless, endless
Endless, endless depression..."
Here's the full lyrics:
Blue Chicago Moon Lyrics
Out of the ruins
Blood grown heavy from his past
His wings stripped by thunder
But those storms keep coming back
Singing birds in sickness
Sing the same blues songs
When they fell out of the emptiness
They must have brought along
Space's loneliness
Space's loneliness
He's gotten so good at hiding it
Even he does not admit it
That glittering flash in his eyes
Makes it look like he might be alright
But if the blues are your hunter
You will come face to face
That darkness and desolation
And the endless, endless, endless, endless
Endless, endless depression
But you are not helpless
You are not helpless
Try to beat it
Try to beat it
And live through space's loneliness
And live through space's loneliness
You are not helpless
You are not helpless
I'll help you to try, try to beat it
I'll help you try, try, try to beat it
I'll help you try, try to beat it
I'll help you try, try to beat it
Oh and to get back to coffee, I was reminded, again that I have a Ko-Fi page, where you can support me with a symbolical coffee. In exchange for that, I share my creative process with you ( as I'm also doing on here ).
I was close to shutting down that page and possibly starting a Patreon instead but, as I had a coffee, again, today and this page is already there, I will probably stick with Ko-Fi for the time being.
Feel free to: 
and improve my mood, focus and energy
and, most importantly, encourage me to keep chugging along, being the best me that I can be, while I continue my ongoing creative journey...
It's a slippery slope... You'll be on four a day again soon. I find exercise will do the same job as coffee, and making sure my glucose doesn't spike so much. Plus Vit B and have you heard of L-theanine as a supplement? I just can't deal with coffee jitters and anxiety and how it stuffs with my circadian rhythm. But as you know I'm a fellow hypersensitive, so I can't do coffee like other people. All I'm saying is don't talk yourself back into it if you quit it for good reason. There's other substances that might have same affect. Oh also look into ashwagandwa.
No I won't ;<)
I'm at one coffee on some days, now.
I try to be not too hard to myself.
Exercise helps and eating healthy stuff, regularly, instead of going hours without ( when I'm distracted ) certainly has a postive effect too.
Thanks for all the tips :<)
I'm not too much into supplements, but I might look into it, one of these days.
xx
I think your mood changed when you drank the coffee because you were so used to it and it always feel so good when you take something that you have quitted for a long time.
That was definitely part of the reason :<)
It's a mood booster but also an addictive one.
I now try to drink a coffee on some days.
You stand in between, got to make a choice, to coffee or not to coffee.
Good work! Keep it up!
For now I chose to some days coffee and other days not to coffee ;<)
and I stick to one cup a day.
Thank you! :<)
That is great. Kudos!
Maybe you should try other kinds of coffees too and diversify... There's fig, barley, even dandelion coffee, all with health benefits and non-adictive
I'll keep those other options in mind but for now I will go for 'microdosing' or more like balancing coffee and no coffee days, not being too hard on myself.
Abrazo!
Dearest Vincent! I feel you! I'm embarked on a re-taking-up of caffeine recently, after abstaining for around a month from any tea. Like others, I am HYPERsensitive to caffeine, and have terrible accumulative effects in my nervous system from even one cup of black tea per day - and one coffee per day would give me a mega illness within less than a week.
HOWEVER. Everything is medicinal, if used consciously - or in ceremony/ care-full use, in harmony with our holistic life.
This is where it gets VERY complex, our use of conventional drugs, to 'stimulate' or 'improve' our mental health. The 'benefits' can be myriad, at least in the short-term, and it might be possible to ignore the accumulated deeper/ wider/ holistic effects - until they bite us really hard waaay down the line.
Then comes discernment: what is the caffeine interfering with? Is it truly and wholly beneficial, or is it compensating temporarily for a general lack of vitality and inspiration, whilst creating problems for the future?
In my own experience, I've played with addiction here and there: cannabis from early teen in rural Scotland and psilocybin mushrooms which grew wild on my island, LSD and other city-available drugs as a student on the mainland; tobacco and caffeine, sugar and artificial foods in various cultures:
I read about addiction and culture in Terence McKenna's book Food Of The Gods when I was young, which gave me a good grounding especially in what the socially-accepted drugs were doing to us. And Elena & Alessandro's Wholistic Vibrations work e.g. their Junkies, Opiates, Medicine Plants, & Pharma revelations - helped me navigate later on as I slowly became more awake sentiently and wholistically - and trusted my perceptions and experiments in how substances - esp. caffeine - affect my whole being...
Particularly, recently, having had some big growth spurts in my spiritual development, and having come away from caffeine... coming back to it, I have several new layers of awareness about what its use is doing in/ to me - and I seem to have more capacity to discern whether or not it 'traps' me in controversy/ contraction!
Firstly, the imprint of the caffeine seems similar to my experience of nicotine: it stamps particular mantras in the mind - and a monkey mind without discipline (or an ego separated and having lost harmonious control of their mind) will accept these phrases as 'fact' or as too strong a 'suggestion' to resist. Again, this has a lot to do with our education system and how we are forced to submit to 'higher' authorities who are suppressing us with ulterior motives.... The mantra aspect is important, as once I can separate a mantra from my unconscious, I can simply discourse with it, rather than it commanding me. I can reason and rebutt - counter-offer a better solution.
I've also found a great deal of emotional-psycholigical and vibrationally imprinted stuff swilling around behind my use of caffeine, sugar and processed/ convenience foods in particular - the fear of letting go and Trusting Nature, of Trusting God even, to support me and give freely of nutriment and sustenance in right timing. Getting into foraging and natural teas/ tree teas, spices and herbs, has helped bridge this fear and bring my spirit back down into my body.
Recently, taking in tea daily and an occasional coffe-with-ginseng, I've been able to see how the caffeine NUMBS my holistic awareness. It has even contributed strongly to my disassociating from being pregnant. This might seem like a negative spiral, HOWEVER, it was consciously stepped into, as I was dealing with multiple loss and in particular with the loss of a very complicated relationship with a family matriarch - whilst gestating, and on top of my very slow recovery from a traumatic and abusive childhood - the tension and intensity of caffeine consumption has been a welcome 'distraction' from my overwhelming feelings - which felt like they might destroy me (or my child). This confrontation of the destructive female force/ Kali energy was enabled by my using caffeine almost like an armour. A means of slowing down the catharsis, as many things are speeding up in our reality right now!
Yes, caffeine is a strong drug, and it has many uses, and we all have unique relationship with it. Our relationship has the power to be co-creative rather than oppressive, certainly. But ultimately, caffeine will only have a negative power over us if there is something in our fundament or foundations which wants to be witnessed/ made more lucid. It is an incredible tool to force lucidity, I feel - and to create emphasis on our external physical (and front-lobe thinking) which in turn can help us weather an internal storm or a strained time when we are trying to integrate big trauma/ aspects of self from which we have been ostracised.
I hope this helps, and I probably should've posted it as a separate article, as it got long! xx Much love @vincentnijman !
Love all of the above and there's a lot I can relate to, also a lot of valuable new information to navigate so thank you!
I actually feel that you posting about the above ( if you feel like it and whenever you can muster up the time and energy ) or perhaps podcasting on this theme would be extremely valuable for whomever stumbles upon it.
Much love!
xxx
No shame in wanting coffee, I think. I myself has also reduced my intake dramatically over the years and now I'm back to one cup a day. I don't really need it to feel good, though, it's just a nice beverage. I don't think you need it, either. You just haven't found a method to keep your spirits high yet, you'll get to it soon. Meanwhile, no harm in coffeeing up!
Un fuerte abrazo, amigo mío!
True that. I reached that point.
Seems like I found a way to keep my spirits high ( although a general shift in energy might have helped too ), lately.
Like you, I now stick to a coffee a day, tops, usually one every two days and when I drink it, I enjoy it way more than I used to do.
Abraco!
I've quit coffee a few times, easy to say I am likely addicted to caffeine as well. If it's not coffee I am drinking lots of green tea, but I think ultimately a life without caffeine is probably better. I can't give up masala chai, so I'd have to find a suitable loose tea substitute for chai time.
It's definitely not easy but I found a more balanced way that I am satisfied with, for the time being. Masala chai sounds great too! :<)
I think it's the hard time we give ourselves, that has the worse effect.
I've never drunk coffee.
Maybe try Chaga, you brew a bit like coffee wind it gives you energy and is an adaptagen or just go with what feels good for you.
Lots of love xxxxxx
Hear hear! I stopped doing this. More on that in yesterday's write up.
I started with coffee at an early age, some years before I started drinking alcohol.
Will put Chaga on my 'to try' list.
Gracias y un fuerte abrazo
xx
You're very expressive as a writer and a podcaster. I don't know if you realize how calming your voice is. Your battle with the demons of coffee remind me of the best friend of my grandmother who loved to chew tobacco.
Copenhagen no less... (Like many Americans, I'm always confusing and conflating The Netherlands and Dennmark, and can't remember which one is Holland or Dutch. Nor which one wears the wooden shoes (some sort of fetish or something? :) ), tulips, or windmills). :)
My grandmothers friend always had to sneak her chewing tobacco use as the church ladies made the ridulous claim that doing so was a sin that would send her to hell.
Can you imagine?
One day she asked me what I thought, and I said: "Mrs Becky, I don't thinbk Jesus cares at all if you like a little pinch between your cheek and gum. In fact if he was here, he might even try a little Copenhagen with you!"
She howled with laughter! And after that, she paid those church ladies no mind and enjoyed her life. So barring any long-term effects on your health (as I assume you've spoken to your doctor), I encourage you to enjoy some coffee every now and then guilt-free. The amazing Mrs Becky is watching from above. :)
Thank you! You're not the first one telling me about the calming effect of my voice but it's nice to hear that more people are starting to pick up on it :<)
I appreciate you sharing your personal stories with me and, this particular one, about chewing tobacco. Very funny and I love how you managed to make that woman change her mind :<)
I had actually never heard of Copenhagen as a ( chewing tobacco? ) brand.
Copenhagen is the capital of Denmark, which is part of Scandinavia ( Denmark, Norway, Sweden, Finland ).
In The Netherlands ( or Holland ), people speak Dutch not to be confused with Deutsch, in Germany.
Woodens shoes ( klompen ) are indeed Dutch and basicall farmers' footwear. Having lived in cities, I never really wore them, although I had a farmer or two in my family.
Tulips are Dutch but originally come from Turkey.
Old fashioned windmills are definitely a Dutch thing, there's still plenty of them, but the Dutch don't have the metaphorical patent on them ;<)
Oh and I don't mind it all when people confuse me or the country I'm from with another one. I'm a citizen of this world.
P.P.S. I could once name the States of the USA in alphabetical order but not any longer, I think. We have to make space in our brains, every now and then, for the most necessary information, right?
and often store a lot of unnecessary crap too haha!