Beyond Doubt: Whispers of the Unseen - Chapter 116
Welcome to my seemingly endless journey.
A trip that will take you to places I might have visited many moons ago.
It´s a tale that came back to me when I meditated on one of my past lives. A life I told you about in my unbelievable true story.
As promised in that story I will now share this story with you.
Chapter 116
Could she even live in my village?
Would she dare give up her life of luxury for peace?
For a fairer world?
Did she know what that world would entail?
I wondered about it, tried to picture her milking the animals in her golden robes, and smiled.
I feel so blessed that our encounters are daily and that our conversations deepen. It's clear there is a mutual connection when she tells me that she spends nights thinking about a new way to rule.
She tells about the many doubts she has about whether this should be entirely based on the state of affairs in my village. It seems impossible to her to force a world so different to return to such simplicity, even though she is convinced that for herself she chooses that peaceful state of being.
She is a true politician and can empathize with the different strata of her people. She understands that a complete revolution would only meet with resistance, as people do not like to be subject to change.
I absorb every word she says. My lust is no longer just for her body but has expanded to everything she is. Her thoughts, her core, her personality, and how she manages to bring them all into the spotlight.
During our moments together, I feel her needs, or I maybe I only think I feel them.
Am I wrong when I feel we are getting lost in each other's eyes and words?
Do I really imagine those moments during dinner, when we have difficulty controlling ourselves from staring dreamily at each other?
But as soon as she is out of sight the realization that it's an impossibility takes control of me. It tells me that treating her body from my medical position is the most direct touch we will ever have.
To touch her out of love would mean certain death, her body is his. She gave him this earthly gift years ago, and she can no longer undo it. However, her spirit no longer belongs to him, not for a long time. She is free to share herself with whom she wants, with whom she desires.
Last night I realized that my crush has made way for something new. I adore this woman; she fulfills me like no one has before. The thoughts we exchange are as soft as kisses; our conversations give my heart the strength to fly and do everything it wants.
It's a cruel truth now that I realize that this must be love. This is what loving a woman feels like.
You only feel whole when you share things with her and realize the emptiness of a life without her the moment you close the door of her room behind you. It is an equally cruel reality that I, who have never desired a woman in this way, now fall prey to such feelings in a woman who could never be mine.
The heart cannot be controlled.
Life cannot be planned, but this development is as sour as it is sweet.
Sleep holds off, and it swirls through my head.
Words begin to flow, and I pick up writing utensils and parchment.
The powerlessness in me grows.
The night,
My lonely heart,
That blooms during the day,
Frozen by it´s darkness.
She will no longer belong to me,
She will be empty forever,
She will no longer be able to charm me and fill me with her pain.
While I feel your being makes love to mine
Your soul belongs to me
He who didn't like you
Owns what I don't.
What I own is your fire,
Your intense desire,
A flame he never sees again.
The words in my head slowly disappear. With each stroke of my quill, they lose ground on my feelings. Seeing it like this on paper makes it clear to me once again that it is dangerous to love someone. But this time I am determined not to turn away from my feelings anymore. Loving her in silence cannot harm anyone.
Her voice will be sweet and soft when she speaks to me. I imagine she does that every night before the candles go out. Yet I will not allow my heart to be twisted by grievance. I will cherish the moments we share.
There is only doubt about whether I should let her read the words. My decision is to give them to her when I am already far away from this palace. I will not stain the days we have left with sadness. After deciding this, I finally feel the peace that is needed to enter the dream world.
I don't know how, but I manage to enjoy myself without tears while I listen to her fantasizing about a new life, a world in which people find fulfillment by offering help instead of wanting to receive material.
“Do you know why my husband spends days with that boy?”
I am shocked to realize that I haven't spoken to Numico in quite some time. I don't know what that means, but it makes me feel insecure. “Numico has had dreams of meeting your husband; as strange as it may sound, that is how they know each other. Numico would have a message for the Sikh. The only thing I know for sure is that this message applies to the new world. A world on whose doorstep we are now standing. Whether we will exceed this, I believe, depends entirely on Numico.”
I don't know what else to tell her. Would my words disrupt Numico's carefully built relationship? Not that I know much more, but something in me wants to tell her about the horrors that I witnessed in that vision and reality.
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