If I Could Turn Back Time - A Spiritual Earwurm Leaving Me A Message?

Cher

I remember seeing the movie "Mermaids" on tv when I was a child. My mother loved Cher. It was probably not a great movie, I don't remember the details but I remember singing along to the songs as a child. I also recall that later on, my mother loved Cher as an artist and I wondered how she could remove a rib (or was it plural?) to look skinnier. Either way, there are songs from Cher that I've always loved hearing and still love singing along to.

"If I could turn back time" is definitely one of them. Some songs, even if they're super old and date back to my childhood when I had no clue about who these artists were, but only listened to their music because of my mother putting them on the radio, they remain good songs, even decades later. You probably have a few of these songs yourself.

Earwurms

I often have an earwurm, for those that don't understand the earwurm, I mean the following:

Now this often happens when I listen to a song that I like, which gets stuck in my head for me to repeat it afterward over and over again. I often caught myself doing this. But there's also another reason why this can happen, which I discovered some years ago. I didn't really pay enough attention to this until I read that. I don't know where I read it at the time but an easy g.oogle search brought me to this page where you can read more about "The Spiritual Reason Why Songs Get Stuck In Your Head".

Why do I lean towards that spiritual meaning?

Recently I received a message that my mother died the previous night. She was ill for a long time and had a horrible lung disease and heart issues. She just underwent surgery and was brought to a care home to recover from surgery. She died in her sleep.

I have been apart from her for years, not really by choice though, but let's not get into that this blog is not about that. The truth is, 1,5 years ago I decided to use another phone to contact her so that my data would not be known to other family members in case anything were to happen to her (did I feel it was coming at the time? I guess a bit) I have been off the radar for everyone for good reasons, our safety. That's all I want to share about it now because that's not the point here.

When I contacted her after years, she was happy to speak to me and happy to get some pictures of my youngest which I'm glad she at least saw growing up a bit for the time being. Her friend also shared pictures of my daughter with her over the years until I contacted her myself.

One day, she sent me a message with an apology for the way she's been when I grew up and that she wish things were different and wanted to let me know she loves me a lot and wishes me all the luck in the world. That message probably came from her as she was already very ill at the time and I think she wanted to make peace. I'm glad we spoke for a while at the time.

Until she got lost and her mental health went bad real fast, she broke all contact with her friend (who I also speak to sometimes) and my data was no longer safe so I stopped all contact with that phone. I got a few updates but the only thing I knew was she was ill and started to estrange herself from everyone.

I could only hope she'd stop suffering soon

I knew her life was not a great life and it was most definitely not fun anymore for the past years. I also know that my ex didn't visit anymore with the two oldest kids, I guess he finally felt sure that she really didn't know my whereabouts and there was nothing left to gain visiting her. Sad but true.

I'm grateful that she sent me that apology last year as for me that was the end of being mad at her and I forgave her for what went down throughout my life. I believe she tried her best and wasn't capable of giving more being a single mother and having struggles throughout her own life from a young age.

Maybe she had more to say

It was quite remarkable that the day she died, and we heard the news, the song "If I could turn back time" by Cher kept repeating in my head. Not the whole song though, only this part:

If I could turn back time
If I could find a way
I'd take back those words that have hurt you
If I could reach the stars
I'd give them all to you

Finally, for once, I paid attention to the earwurm and realized it may be her speaking her peace to let things go. I wish we could turn back time as well and I wish even more that I didn't land in the situation where I had to cut all ties with my family to be safe and not be found by my ex. I wish I could turn that back as well, but I can't and that's why I told myself for all these years that this is not my choice but it's to stay safe. Everyone has the right to keep their family safe if someone is out there to hurt you. Unfortunately, my mother had to pay her price for this situation as well.

I hope she finally found her peace

Honestly, I don't think my mother ever knew real happiness, which is very sad. She's always struggled with men and finding her life path. She tried, and when things were finally looking better financially at some point, she got diagnosed with bipolar disorder. From that moment, things were rocky and difficult and our connection got worse and worse while I was trying to escape reality (it's hard having a bipolar mother and living with her) I got further estranged from her than ever and this didn't change until at some point, we were homeless and had nowhere to go.

She showed me that she loved me because she immediately said you will stay here. Even though she never met my new boyfriend at the time because I was not keen on introducing her. I'm thankful that she tried to help us and I'm happy that we decided to visit her that evening even though I was afraid she'd send us away.

She was already coughing quite a lot back then, but she didn't share that she had a disease that was quite horrible. Maybe she didn't want to worry me while being homeless and trying to get back on my feet. I feel sorry that we never had that great mother-and-daughter connection but I'm happy that she was saved from a long life of pain and loneliness.

If you were sending me a message that day through music, I heard you and it's ok. You can let go now and hopefully find your peace without any pain and struggles. Goodbye Mom, maybe we will meet again in another life.<3