Success is Anti-climatic

What is acknowledgement? What does it mean to be seen? Does it really matter? Why do we want it so much?

This is a question I think about a lot as both an artist on a personal journey and an armchair anthropolgist.

I used to feel guilty for caring. I grew up in the US where people say “Don’t care what other peope think” almost like a mantra. I started out in the punk scene where being too popular was seen as selling out.

So not caring was the ideal, and I’ve seen plenty of people who have let the desire to be liked destoy their credibility and pull into question the true motives behind their work. That only reinforced the feeling that I shouldn’t care.

But it’s almost undeniable that everyone feels this desire to be liked in some way shape or form.

Maybe you don’t care what the masses think, but you care what your friends think. An if not you certainly care what your customers or your boss think. Just because you detach your work life from your private life doesn’t mean those desires aren’t there.

As a freelancer, I came to realize that my self judgement around wanting to be liked was not warrented. Being liked can be the difference between achieving your dreams and falling flat on your face. I came to believe that this desire is a survival mechanism.

I just didn’t want to become something I wasn’t to be liked. I wanted to be liked for what I was and that is ok. It’s not the same as just wanting to be liked without a firm idea of what you are and what you want to be.

From there it became a lot less complicated. I accepted that I wanted to be liked and no longer let it get to me head whether I was liked or not. I made a clear declaration not to discard substance for the sake of being liked and not to pretend to be anything I am not, and so the core is unmoving and the details are flexible but always consistent with the core. I am strategic about how I present my work in a way that invites the people I want to like it to like it, but never dishonest.

I don’t do things just because I’m supposed to if they don’t feel right. But I don’t ignore the need to do SOMETHING. If self promotion is required and I don’t like the established way, I come up with a new one that feels more comfortable.

The people I want to like it are all very much in alignment with the meaning I want to express, with my life purpose, with my true desires and with the world I want to see. So they become an indicator.

It’s not so confusing anymore.

Still, I don’t really know how to engage with the slow trickle of attention coming my way picking up into a strady stream. If anything I am surprised at how normal it feels. Nothing has changed really.

It’s a little easier to feel gratitude. That is lovely. But beyond that?

In the past 3 months, 3-4 of my favorite artists in Tokyo have become aware of my work and have expressed interest or approval. Many more of their friends and collaborators have followed me or told me they like what I am doing. And as a result….crickets. Life as usual.

It’s kind of nice.

I never wanted fame. I never wanted to be a household name, and more and more I am realizing I don’t have to be. I can eventually make a living and draw a meaningful crowd and do all the things I want to do and still remain below the radar.

Some of these bigger names can serve as a proxy, a lighthouse to invite enough people into the scene to keep things interesting, but not everyone needs to be right at the forefront.

And as for the approval from friends and strangers, it feels good and I appreciate that people seem to understand me a little better. It feels nice to feel more welcome. But it hasn’t influenced my daily life in any meaningful way. I still do all the things I usually do and most of my day is uneventful.

If I end up playing 2-3 shows a week, well then it’ll be different, but my goal is only once a week and for now I am happy with only once or twice a month.

Slowly my dreams are starting to feel like work, and I mean that in the best possible way. They just feel normal. Like a plan you make and stick to. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing far away or incredibly high stakes. It just is what it is and it’s nice, and like with a business I can scale up or stay where I am by putting more time and effort into it.

The only thing that’s really changed is that I am not so unsure anymore. There’s the goal and there’s the effort and there’s no room for worry or stress. Stress pops up and I automatically go into resolution mode. I practice. I fix problems. Until it feels better or until a deadline hits.

Also it’s confusing.

“Friggin Good! 🔥”

A message from one of my favorite artists. What!? Huh!?! For real? Not a fake account.

Well then.

I message him back and ask a question I’ve wanted to ask him for a long time, nothing weird or important, just a normal question. No reply.

People are people. He’s just a regular dude in the end, but there is a natural tendency to elevate the opinions of the people we admire most. And so in a sense there is no one a compliment could matter more from.

And I still feel insecure that my reply didn’t spark a conversation. Him recognizing my music didn’t instantly turn us into friends. I’m still a guy he sees at shows a few times a year. He’s still a distant acquaintance, as is the organizer of my last show who I also greatly admire.

The only real difference is the confirmation that I am seen by these people. They think more positive of me than negative and I am memorable enough that they will recognize me next time.

And it’s a signal that if I feel good about what I am doing, I am on the right path.

It feels good, but nothing has changed.
Everything has changed and yet nothing has changed.

I finally realize, there is no moment where you’ve made it. This concept is no longer a concept for me. I’m living it. It’s something l’ve “known” but could never imagine.

Perhaps there will be a moment where I blow up on social media or where I am invited to work more closely with someone like this or when I get a big paycheck for my work, but even then, after those moments, things go back to normal. An old normal or a new normal, most likely somewhere in between.

You still wonder why someone didn’t reply. You still worry or don’t worry about the future. You still care or don’t care about the same things. Success won’t bring happiness, if you are unhappy you will still be unhappy deep down.

But maybe happiness or fulfillment leads to success. I believe it does. Maybe the reason I am stepping into what I consider a successful life is because I learned to feel good without it, even despite not having it. That transformation allowed me to do what needed to be done to move in the right direction. And you just keep moving that direction and when you hit a destination, a new destination reveals itself.

—-
This song keeps evolving

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