Perhaps we will heal together, Japan and I

There are a lot of things I want to write about right now but I don’t have a good chance to sit and get my thoughts together.

I will just go stream of consciousness on these topics but I want to go as deep as I can with them so next time each topic will be explored in more depth.

Here are some of the things I’ve been thinking about these days:

I went to see one of my favorite band ls again, and I’ve been getting lots of inspiration from them these days, not only their music but the way they behave and the way i interact with them has given me a lot of things to explore inside myself.

Meeting them made me realize my own selfish desires, and allowed me to acknowledge those and start to find healthier ways to express them.

Even more than that though, I am forced to acknlowedge that no matter how strong I am in my convinctions, it’s only a fraction of what I wanted for myself. To be able to stand on a stage and say something that you know will lead some people to hate you….thats the kind of person I have always wanted to become, and I now I am seeing all the things that prevented me from being this person up until now.

Every thing along the path has been a blessing in a eay, allowing me to realize what I wanted and express a more and more beautiful version of life through my actions. But the amount of rage that has built up over years of keeping my mouth even half shut… i need to find an outlet for all of that.

My novels were meant for that but writing and speaking ans singing are very different things and I want to do all of them, without any fear of what may result of it. If it comes out of love or inspiration, I want to share it. If it comes from fear than I will try to squash it.

I also realize more why I am here in this country, the furthest place on planet earth from where I was born and the place that has always mysteriously felt like home to me.

What better place to learn to transmute rage than one of the most emotionally repressed parts of the earth. What better place to be of used to people with all this old rage still buried under the surface.

Perhaps we will heal together, Japan and I.

I try to be as true to myself as I can and it was hilarious to see at the concert. Usually I struggle to do the things I want even though I manage. I feel tons of resistance that I have to work through though. I let myself cry to a beautiful song on the train but the invasive thoughts about how it looks and feels to others are distracting.

At the concert though, I feel that the energy flow is in my favor though, and the fact that even if such a festive environment, people are still introverted and awkward doesn’t deter me from being a bit out of the ordinary, in fact it encourages me to so so.

I came with my friends and students, a mother around 50 and her son around 20, not a common sight at a show like this which is somewhere between punk and experimental, paychedelic and reggae. I was one of maybe 10 foreigners in a crowd of 2000. So right from the get go, we stand out.

Ever since I was young I enjoy doing unexpected and random things and often people mistake it for attention seeking. It’s not. This is how I protest.

I have an innate to protest inhibitions and the rigid rules that prevent our lives from being better. And if you can’t let go and be free at a concert, where the fuck can you?!

So i bounced around while talking to my friends and smiled at strangers and danced harder than anyone else there, and I did it because I wanted to do it, but also because I naturally feel scared to and I want to obliterate that fear.

One of the cameramen filming a documentary got plenty of it on tape so I guess I will end up making an impression on this band in the end, which is something I hoped to do in order to get to know them one day, but not something I actively sought out to do at a concert where all eyes are on them and interactions are all from withon the confines of a fan/follower dynamic.

I still don’t know exactly what makes me this way, to find myself at home among those who rebel and then to want to rebel against them and to rebel against my own desire to rebel.

My desire to burn away everything superficial until only what is real remains.

Anyway. I will be rewriting this and sharing it with friends on other platforms later but for now thank you for letting me get my thoughts out into words.

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