The Yin & Yang Of Creative Processes...

(there's always this inner battle when writing posts like this - whether it's actually of any value to put into the world, or just foolishness. the conflict between "authentic expression" - which often lands well with a few who can relate and appreciate the honesty - and feeling like i'm just perpetuating a shitty state that's better kept to myself. anyways, here we go regardless...)

i'm probably addicted to frustration. of all the fvck!ng things. ha. (bear with this scattered yet coherent collection of thoughts as it's probably going somewhere. or maybe not and this is just gonna end up a rant).

between constantly turning to social media and finding something to get riled up over or just chasing my tail aggressively to convince myself things in my immediate world aren't ideal... i dunno man, this human game sure doesn't seem to make a whole lotta sense sometimes.

and then come the intermittent runs where things actually flow... oh God... and i'm probably equally if not more addicted to them, actually prefering and wanting those highs... the frustration often coming because the addict for the peak flows seemingly can't be satisfied 100% of the time.

like with music. jeez, what a relationship...

https://youtube.com/shorts/ogQxHxOGQp8?feature=share

it definitely hasn't always flowed smoothly. somehow, the whole hustle-culture dogma of "force yourself to put in 100 hours a week" does not mesh well with everyone's creative processes. it's been hell navigating to become someone fluent in reading the creative waves from a ton of that shit conditioning and has taken years to actually somewhat find harmony with my creative energies. (and that almost feels like a lie, given most of the time, i still struggle accepting when they're not there but the ego wants to force it anyways... even through frustration is the totally-predictable outcome).

nonetheless, i surely have put in the 10,000 hours by now, and the results are getting pretty damn good, if i don't say so myself.

"but now what...?"

oh, that question.

like, i really have no clue what to do with any of my music, 'marketing'-wise. i don't really care about being any sort of well-known superstar producer anymore. none of my music - which is completely impossible to fit into the box of any single or even multiple genres - easily conforms to common trends. even though i got accepted into Timbaland's Beatclub and can submit tracks for major label artists, the majority of my stuff is so drastically different than what they're looking for. and while there's probably alot of my stuff that might/could be appropriate for sync licensing in some cool Netflix shows or some shit like that, it feels like trying to knock on doors and self-promote is the totally wrong strategy and doomed to be a waste of time. so as it stands, my entire audience is like 9 people a month on Spotify and a handful here and on Instagram who actually listen to probably 20 seconds of it on a phone. which is kind of a damn shame, given alot of it is pretty damn good.

back to the frustration loop. ah, the familiarity.

in ways, at least i've swung from the dumb place i was in before putting the cart before the horse, overly focused on marketing before actually creating the musical results, closer now to the "focus on the music and people will be drawn to you when it's good enough" take. yet, whether its the strong conditioning that "need to hustle" or some actual wisdom that action does need to be taken to connect with some of the proper people to advance things... i don't fucking know where to start. blah, blah, blah.

"quality problems."

and on one hand, maybe there is no problem... only the mind thinking anything "should" be different. maybe it's perfectly okay that i'm just pacing myself making music and am where at with it professionally, all just "part of the process," and somewhat content with being a small fish swimming under the radar. on the other, maybe the discontent is some indication i'm playing too small, and really ought to "level up," however that looks like.

so what to do about it all...? 🤷‍♂️

perhaps the "problem" is just a matter of patience, and the solution is simply to "persist" slowly but surely, doing "my best" to find whatever "flow" i can. after all the "waiting to respond" bit of Human Design as a Manifesting Generator doesn't equate to lying in bed and doing nothing all day... though perhaps that might be a viable alternative to forcing action out of the mind's ideas of what "should" be done out of some illusory sense of being "productive" in busyness.

if only life were as simple as all the fucking 'motivational' platitudes and "self-help" bullshit insists, as though "happiness" were truly as easy as "finding" that one thing that brings all the happiness, joy and passion you could ask for and it was really as simple as just doing that all day. ha. I almost envy anyone who has it truly that easy. yeah, i enjoy making music... sometimes, when the waves of energy are there for it. same with writing, astrology, etc. but in between the rarer moments when the heavens align to get into those beautiful flow states... why the frustration.

maybe its still the fucking open heart center theme, not feeling good enough if not super productive all the time. maybe part the open head, distracted with all sorts of shit all the time that really doesn't matter. open spleen holding on too long, sure. it makes perfect logical sense. but when coming time to actually live and embody it - (that word has been coming up alot lately, and i'm almost sick of it from the start, seeing how it may have practically become this trendy "spiritual" mumbo jumbo word salad)... i dunno man. some days are definitely better than others. despite my energy flow during the days typically described perfectly by the word "friction," i somehow managed to get into a decent flow with music during Mercury retrograde, of all fucking times - go figure - and arriving back into the usual "don't feel like doing much of anything" again and frustration is the guaranteed result if fighting against that... ugh. (and i'm probably giving someone anxiety as they read these words... hence the reservations about ever putting stuff like this out there. "but...")

and then there is probably a large majority of the time that i probably would be better off "forcing" myself to get started, given the mind & emotions quickly run WAY the fuck off like this... whereas i'm finally getting to a point of competency where jumping into music when even not in the mood ends up turning around and calming it all day.

moral of the story?

no idea. maybe there is none, as it was just a "rant, complaint, talk." maybe the problem is not doing enough of that just for the damn sake of it.

anyways... more music teasers. hopefully it provided a fine balance from sinking too deep into the toxicity behind all the words and provides some sorta weird insight or inspiration through the "embodiment" of the fact that the creative process isn't always fucking easy, "diamonds require pressure," "lotuses rise from mud," or some stupid shit that's been turned into toxically-positive memes a million times over and paint a picture that life is all unicorns and rainbows in spite of the hell of cocoon phases between caterpillar and butterfly where we're decomposing in our own filth and practically useless until the process we can't control is complete and then bam we have wings and fly away to Tahiti to spy on big-tittied bitches on the beach in bikinis or some shit.

enjoy... 😹

https://youtube.com/shorts/ogQxHxOGQp8?feature=share