RE: Would you go a grief rave?
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I was totally floored with a wave of grief yesterday. You think the worst has passed and then something knocks you sideways. For me it was driving down to the coast in the dark listening to some of Dad's music - some female Americana I never appreciated when he was alive but am enjoying now as it keeps him.close. Anyway that's such a liminal time, pre dawn and into sunrise. Paddling out in the dark, and then first light - the clouds, the ocean, the sweeps of rain, the gold on the water - there was a sense of joy but also paralysing grief which hurt like all fuck. I'm out there sobbing on my board - a mate asked if I was okay. Yeah, I said, I just miss my Dad, he would have loved this. You know, clouds make for good landscapes and all. Then I got a wave and came off in the water, salt water tears and salt water merging.
So the grief race, I get. It's allowing the grief to rise up and flow - and very cathartic. Music brings it closer to the surface for sure.
Absolutely painfully beautiful.
As for music for my funeral? I keep adding to the playlist. I chose the four for Dad's funeral .. well three, Mum chose one.
This is one of them, and I definitely would like this at mine
We had a whole playlist the family added for Dad's wake. In the days following his death I listened to his music constantly, as if that would keep him.close. I find it hard to listen to now without being very sad.
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ilaejL0Apov5twBFHLg95?si=XH_-GRCZRMOCbwwV4vgV5g&pi=NuxbA52JSQ2Is
Just off the top of my head for my own funeral list, one of my absolute old time faves Placebos Pure Morning. Something to scream joyously at the top of your lungs. But I have an eclectic taste ...Dreamy Skies Rolling Stones, Hey The Pixies, Dream baby Dream Suicide, Nick Caves The Ship Song, Dylan's Visions of Johanna, Faithless Hour of Need, Detectorists Johnny Flynn, The Pioneers Long Shot Kick De Bucket, Ali Baba John Holt ... Actually there's a heap of reggae there ..
This is my latest listen which is definitely at the top of the list, I just need to tell someone in case I get eaten by a shark or something...
https://open.spotify.com/track/3Vy7CVpqU7QVCkxRV4iV9I?si=NZvgiQIZRmuWNY59I7_u0g
You have me going now. A bi of a music before bed. You know when Dad got his asbestos payout he was dying so couldn't enjoy it. But he bought a kick ass set of 10 grand speakers and we listened to a HEAP of music on the couch for months. All kinds of stuff. He was still finding new music until the end. I knew he was on the way out when the house went silent.
Heartbreaking.
I don't know if I've ever written about the story of my own father's passing. I referenced it in later chapters of my thesis (remember when I said I wanted to make video essays out of the chapters?)
But (nearly) 20 years on, I don't think I've fully reconciled with that death. I spent the life insurance money to put myself through university and go travelling.
If they were LARGE speakers, I do hope that they could have, in part; acted as a sort of casket.
Thank you for sharing something so raw and vulnerable. People need to do that more often, and I applaud your comfort to share it publicly and openly. In the event of your untimely becoming of a snack to a shark, I shall be sure to direct people to this very post.
This sort of pain is the beautiful sort of pain. Not the pain of being shark meat, but the pang of loss that never leaves us.
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