God Too Busy Listening To Freddy Mercury's Dope-Ass Music On Repeat To Judge Him

Attempts by several angels to interrupt with questions prompted a divine grin and the words, "Don't Stop Me Now."

Supernal Heavens, March 19 - Ministering angels disclosed today that the Supreme Being, creator and sustainer of reality, and final arbiter of right and wrong, has refused to subject the long-deceased front man of the legendary rock band Queen to examination and sentencing by the Divine Tribunal until He, the Lord, has experienced an eternity of "We Are the Champions," "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Somebody to Love," and the rest of the man's body of work.

Freddy Mercury died of AIDS in 1991; his lifestyle seldom hewed to the morality that the Creator ordained for His creatures. Mercury's dalliances, primarily with other men, violated an important taboo in the divine vision for human civilization. Nevertheless, stated the Archangel Gabriel, the Holy One's attentions regarding the flamboyant performer in the thirty-two years since have focused on the man's body of artistic work, to the exclusion of the man's off-stage liaisons, and that focus remains unlikely to shift anytime in the next forever.

"The Almighty particularly enjoys 'Bicycle Race,'" disclosed the archangel. "Last weekend He played it constantly on repeat. But I would not venture that one song has necessarily earned 'favorite' status, at least not yet. God listens to much of the Mercury oeuvre all the time now. It has become difficult to get divine attention devoted to almost anything else."

"This $#!t slaps," the Lord was heard to remark. A quick investigation revealed the Heavenly Headphones were playing "Killer Queen." Attempts by several angels to interrupt with questions prompted a divine grin and the words, "Don't Stop Me Now."

No official records exist that document any previous episodes of Godly distraction from meting out justice for earthly sins, or from any other Heavenly business. However, several angels recalled analogous events occurring in the decades after Johann Sebastian Bach joined the supernal realm in 1750. The patriarch of the Bach musical dynasty had led a pious life and honored his creator in numerous ways; getting divine imprimatur to welcome Johann Sebastian to eternal bliss nevertheless took some time because God deemed it necessary to listen to the maestro play every one of his keyboard compositions. The Goldberg Variations (BWV 988) in particular captured the Lord's imagination and he requested repeated encores of the piece.

Several centuries later, God summoned Bach to meet the newly-deceased pianist Glenn Gould so that the composer and the Lord could delight in listening to Gould's different interpretations of the masterpiece on a concert grand piano.

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