RE: Seven Years...

One thing that I find that DOES help... is I reflect back on the time before I even knew them, to remember that it was, in fact, possible to live without them.

there was some subtle ping when read that, like you may be onto something there.

though feels like that's something that's gonna take alot of time, focus, and energy and may conflict with my ADHD-like & procrastinative (if that's not a word, i'm making it one now) tendencies. lol.

The positive effects of this exercise get multiplied if I manage to dig up some aspect/hobby/trait of mine that I felt like I had to give up for them that I get to fully reclaim.

this is where i sorta question whether it'd be worthwhile just to go back to Phuket and surrender to the hedonistic side of my Pluto-Zenith there to get back in touch with my actual core masculine drive properly. lol. but also, not really keen on taking risks with STDs (and the inevitable energetic equivalent) and sliding so far back into that scene which is no longer a vibrational match. sigh. lol. it's seriously tempting though, considering i can't think of anything that would probably make me feel as alive as the feeling of being treated like a rock star by the women there the way they did/do. (my oh my, sometimes i question if i'm being way too honest with stuff like this for a public forum. 😹)

You can't possibly know who needs to hear you.

another sorta subtle ping.

and something sorta comforting like gentle, warm hug from a higher force as reading those words.

Your audience maybe hasn't even incarnated into this 3D yet

i can't remember what it was in my natal chart that some interpretation of was something along the lines that i'm ahead of my time and might even be the type whose work isn't truly appreciated until after i'm gone... as much as that approach might be used as a way of trying to self-manipulate into feeling better that it eventually will be recognized, it still kinda sucks. lol.

but i dunno... it's weird, like i used to be SO fucking ambitious in my twenties and want all this adoration for shit i hadn't even done yet, then swung to this other odd space of acceptance that i may never really get or accomplish any(thing) - and from here, in whatever low-wave of "self-esteem" this is, there's some wisdom/acknowledgement that even IF one of my tracks got accepted as a collab and went to #1 on Billboard, i probably wouldn't even fully appreciate it... with some tiny vague sense of trust/faith or some shit that maybe there will come a day where whether there's some "big" thing that all this was leading up to or not, there probably will be some sense of deep satisfaction in "touching someone" (metaphorically, not literally, lol) and making an impact that is really clear in its significance to an extent that silences all the doubt, "not enough" not-self shit, etc.

i do get glimpses/moments of it sometimes... lately, when sharing some astrocartography stuff that really helps someone shift from confusion & fear into clarity & confusion. maybe part of me is still just too stubborn in wanting musical fruits rather than fully embracing and maximizing those 'small' moments connecting with people on a resonant frequency via astrology.

You're not a "nobody", you're Rok-Motherfucking-Sivante and you GET to show the world what means!

sometimes i question if too much "ego death" is a bad thing and i overdosed. lol. like again, i swung to this opposite extreme of "meh," where i sorta don't even care about "showing the world" anymore, aware of / feeling like that's just an ego game i already exhausted myself out at.

though it also sorta ties back to the Phuket thing... and whether it's my Venus in 12th house or Sun + Mars in 12 in whole sign, there IS something to the "foreign lands" thing; and that Pluto-Zenith... (like peak examples: i had a couple incidences there where women literally just stopped me on the street cuz they wanted to fvck/bl0w me (no $ involved)). here, i feel like a ghost. like no one sees me, no one cares. just like i'm an NPC in everyone else's matrix. it was like there, rock star energy - no need to "show" or try; here, doesn't fucking matter how hard i'd show/try... invisible. or even in Bali with Neptune-MC, still this public allure and rock-star-ish energy (of a different sort).

goddamnit. as writing this, it almost feels like i'm trying to talk myself into going back. but this fucking conflict of "correct response" and acknowledging timing. fucking impatience!!! 😹🤬

well that was semi-therapeutic. (although similar to dropping $200/h for nothing but a space to vent and some bullshit generic feedback from someone that's only there for the money, i dunno if anything's really fundamentally changed. lol. but at least it was more fun sharing with you, as a friend and somehow who gets & appreciates a bit of my complexity. 🙂)