Why Not Always Win?

I think the only reason I’m writing this is because I’m currently listening to some jams from the new earpods I got. And it’s giving me a soundgasm, to say the very least. There’s nothing as amazing as good sound, and I guess that’s why you would find me breaking the bank for it time and again, because what heals more than music in this world?

I’ve been feeling nostalgic. The air’s been feeling different. Memories of a time I loved so dearly flash before me, and although I attempt to pause the moment, savour it, probably soak up all the emotions I felt back then, the air passes. As fleeting as it came.

Probably a bad time to say this, or maybe it’s a bit late, but I’m in that era of my life where wins come so often, and so suddenly, that I begin to second guess myself. Is there a little, nagging feeling of imposter syndrome? Or maybe there’s a twinge of fear lurking at the corners? Wondering if each win marks the end for the opposite to begin. Waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I’m learning to live and love how the road keeps paving for me. That with the disappointments, and the times that things seem to be going awry, there’s always that silver lining that make the disappointments feel like mere illusions. I feel like I’m rambling at this point, but I hope someone understands what I’m trying to say.

I applied for a one-month long legal internship a couple of months ago, and while I was psyched for the experience, barely a week later, I questioned myself. Why did I even do it in the first place? I didn’t seem to be doing too well, at least compared to a bunch of the other interns who kept getting perfect scores in all the tests, while I grappled between being nearly there and being almost there.

Finally, the end came, and I tell you, it was cinematic. There I was, sleeping without a care in the world, when a phone call woke me up. Apparently, there was an award ceremony ongoing, and I’d completely forgotten. The caller excitedly told me that I should come online immediately. I turned on the data connectivity to see at least 50 congratulatory messages from people.

I was still confused, and asked my friend who had also been an intern to explain what was happening. Anyway, long story short, out of 200 interns consisting of Law graduates and undergraduates in colleges across Nigeria and West Africa, yours truly had emerged third overall best. When I got the news, I struggled to breathe for seconds. How was that even possible? I thought I was doing poorly? I merely wanted to collect my participatory certificate, and be on my way. But I guess God had other plans for me.

When the award came in, I think it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw. Made of pure glass, and signalling the first glass award of many too come, I hope. I had tears roll down my cheeks, and as my family danced around me, my Dad praying for me, and my Mom crying with me, it made me realize. I wanted this. I wanted to always feel this way. I wanted to always win. It made me see that I could actually work hard enough to achieve everything I want just for that singular feeling of fulfilment I felt seeing that award.

What am I saying in earnest? Wins make me happy, and they fit me. So, why not always win? Anyway, ending this with a beautiful song from musicians that I adore to no ends. Let’s keep winning, guys.

Jhymi🖤

_{Thumbnail image is mine.}