Capturing moments or living in the present?

I am that girl whom you will never find a picture of herself in her devices. It's not because I don't want to keep those memories, I just don't feel like it. I remember being really angry when a friend of mine took a photo of me without my permission. I was in a rage until he handed over his device and I deleted every shot he took of me.

Source
I can't explain why taking photos of myself doesn't appeal to me.

When my fiancee came last week to spend the week with me. He stressed my life trying to take a shot of me after we attended service together. Yes, you heard that right, I attended church!

It was one of the romantic things he suggested that we do. Let's say, it was the start of all of the other romantic things we would be doing throughout the week.

Trust me it was one hell of a week. A week I would love a repeat but that's selfishness. If you notice, the last time I did a post on this account was Sunday. I published that right before his call came through to ask if I was ready for church. I was ready!

I really wanted the church thing to work so badly that I woke up early and got out of bed even when my body still craved more sleep. Once I was done preparing, I sat back to do a post before he came around.

No one told me that would be the last post I'll be doing that week.

I suddenly allowed myself to live in the moment and for once threw my anxiety out of the window. If I did not want a yearly badge so badly, my iskafan account wouldn't have had a single post either. No, I did not tell him I have been missing my morning posts. I hid it so well that he only found out when he left my apartment.

When he took those photos of me, I did not know how to pose. Being something I barely did, I had no experience. It was awkward.

But... There's a catch.

While he was taking the shots and he refused to give them to me, I suddenly realized, that out of the three people I have dated in my life, he's the only one who has a picture of me. Every time he tried taking them in the past, I always found a way to escape until 7 days ago. He won! Yes!

The two Exes of mine never even bothered. They were satisfied with everything else they were getting, so keeping memories of me in the form of a photo never crossed their minds. Or maybe I wasn't worth it.

You know you might feel I would be hurt to think I wasn't worth it but believe me, after all the breakups, I was glad they did not have my pictures. I wouldn't want them to have a trace of me to share that they ever dated me. I can comfortably say I did not date them, we were only friends with benefits, if something comes up, and there will be no proof that I did. If something as affectionate as having a photo of your girlfriend on your device doesn't happen, then, clearly, you guys weren't dating.

Someone said we should take photos of ourselves so we can document our journey. I laughed hard because if you check my device, the only memories you will find are inanimate objects and nothing about me. Documenting my journey is done effectively by writing it like this; nothing to do with photos.

Possibly, I want a situation whereby, if I truly want to live like a ghost tomorrow, it will be very, very, very possible. I know that's weird.