Dance of Selves -- Spinning With You and Others.

I'm a very shy dancer.

Which probably begs the question, why start dancing in large groups that involve a lot of contact? I don't know. It was a happenstance, and I chanced to like it, so here we are. Anyway, I'm alright doing exercises with other people, but tend to be quite shy when we're let free. I either danced with myself, or sat on the sidelines.

And there's great beauty and power, dancing with yourself. I found snippets of catharsis in tracing my own journey through space, or following my own rhythm. I did. But I also tended towards lone wolf-ing it, rather than dancing with other people, certain I had nothing to give. I felt awkward. Couldn't spin or lift, was a little jagged in my movement. To-and-fro, and here-we-go.

I was talking about this with a fellow dancer, someone who's been dancing for years, and she said to me, think of it this way, each time you're sat on the sides, you're denying someone else's will to dance. 'Cause maybe they're sitting across the room, and would love to join in, but see no solo dancers to approach. So dance.

Much as I turned red at the thought, recognizing myself in her words, I knew she was right. The trouble with dance is that you really can't force it. Or rather, not if you want it to continue being a pleasurable experience. So the best I could do was set an intention to be more bold, next time we were let to roam free, and dance as we wished.

Sometimes, it's enough to meet another dancer more experienced than you, patient, who'll play with you. Last weekend I started the jam session dancing with one of the instructors. I love dancing with him, he's very playful and dependable. I never feel out of control when I'm dancing with him, and it gave me the courage to go on and dance with others, also, throughout the rest of the session. I had a great time, overall, I danced with several people. More importantly, I let myself play. And laugh. How could dancing be serious?

Perhaps emboldened by this, I went along to another jam last night. Something I don't normally do (I prefer the structure of classes), but I always mean to, and I didn't want to end 2023 still meaning to. It was a bit of a different experience. Different place, different instructor. Pretty much the same people, though, and perhaps that was encouraging, too.

What really helped me get "in the zone" was the silence, though. I was the first to arrive, and the instructor came to me in the locker-room. We hugged and talked a bit, and then he said okay, from now on, no words. And no words followed. It brought me back to another thing the dancer who encouraged me said, referring to dancing as a new language. A different language some people can speak.

And I knew I loved that definition as soon as I heard it, but it wasn't till last night that I really got it. Because in this exercise of not talking, I felt much more attuned to what people were saying with their hands, or their shoulders, or their eyes. Maybe it just forces you to pay more attention, but it's also an element of release. Like you're free of words, in a way.

I also engaged in quite a bit of meditation, an active exercise to throw out intrusive thoughts. It worked really well at first. Again, I started by dancing with the instructor, a different man, but again someone playful and with whom I have a good connection.

But how long can a dance last? I found myself drifting a couple of times across the evening, my thoughts barging in... Let's consider this or that, and completely break out of the zone. Whenever that happened, I forced myself to the floor, stretching, squatting, doing a little movement on my own, to clear my head, and the air, before finding other dancers, again.

They're very different exercises, dancing with yourself vs. dancing with other people. Both really wonderful, and contemplative. For me, dancing with myself has worked, as I've mentioned, in combination with therapy to dispel some lingering demons. So, in a way, dancing with myself is healing. Dancing with others, by layering on top of that, is active growing.