A Little Fragile -- Shame In Hearing Myself

Mornings like today remind me how disjointed I used to be. Hell, how disjointed I still can be sometimes, if I don't watch myself. I had a bit of a bizarre dream last night, but that's normal, right? I've always had those, so I figure it's alrighty. I settled into my easy chair, for my morning coffee'n'book, but something wasn't working. I couldn't focus. It took me embarrassingly long to realize okay, I didn't have a good night. I was still agitated, and that maybe my dream was trying to tell me something. I keep thinking I can just power through, discard whatever and just keep going. But the more I try, the more it messes me up, so now I'm trying to stop. To be mindful of how I be. :)
So I put my book down reluctantly, and instead, I started unpacking my dream. A lot of it was surface-level. Asking for a kind of release/relief. Being haunted by predators in the dark. I dream about that a lot.

I woke up feeling dark and on edge, and next thing I knew, I was in tears. Again, something past me would just shrug off. Okay, just shut your crying and let's move on like adults, ye? No longer. Instead, I honed in on the feeling, on what was at the root. With one hand, I silenced that voice that said shut up and let's move on, and instead, I made space.
Space to feel that, to acknowledge that I was feeling a little fragile, that the dream had obviously stirred something in me, something that was now bubbling out. So I let it out, I let myself feel. Without feeling embarrassed by crying, by being a little more emotional now than normal. By feeling a little messed up.
I guess the predators in my dream shook something loose in me, and once, that might've been embarrassing. Silly little me who cries when she's got no business doing so. I'm quite good at that, as I am good at castigating myself for it.

Then, I remembered today is Solstice. The longest day of the year. As I've written before, I'm very new to all this, only just feeling my way through this connection we have with the sun and the moon, so I may be outta my head. But I started digging around online, and I found that quite a few people feel a little more fragile and exposed, and emotional around this time of year. That it's normal, even.

I'm quite an emotional person, and for the longest time, years and years, I felt that must be some fuck-up. That obviously, I was in the wrong, I was unresolved, and I needed to get myself sorted because people don't just randomly cry for no damn reason. naturally, that only riled up my emotions even worse.

But now, I'm coming to see there's more at play than just that. That different times mean different behaviors, and that some people cry. Most importantly, I'm learning that it's okay. And not because someone on the Internet says so, but because my body feels the need to release emotion, and I really should listen to my body.

I figure there's few things worse you can do than get someone to think their own body is alien, and cheating them outta something.

So, I know I normally don't post twice in a day, but I wanted to write something quick for the Summer Solstice. To honor it, and with it, my own tune that I'm learning to dance to.

I hope your day's been full of sun. I went and chased the sunset, which was pink and purple and all those crazy, jazzy colours. I'm still feeling a little fragile, but instead of trying to rush myself out of it, I'm learning to build space, and make allowances.