Sub-optimal remembrance
We've all forgotten things; sometimes we get away with forgetfulness lightly, small things like forgetting where the car keys or our sunglasses are for a time isn't life-changing. Other times it can cause catastrophic issues with far-reaching ramifications. But what about when we forget people.
I forgot someone's birthday back in November...remembered it on the wrong day is more accurate I suppose, and I felt bad about it; I explained at the time that birthdays aren't really my thing so I'm not focused on them, however that doesn't mean they're not important to others so I should have remembered.
In the next day or so it's my mother's birthday, she would have been seventy nine but died at fifty nine after suffering with cancer for a few years. It was tragic really, her demise, and quite terrible. Unfortunately those images are burned into my brain and are impossible not to see but I try to remember her as she was throughout my life and on her birthday is one of those occasions where I do so. I usually break out a heap of photos going back to her youth (and my own) which helps me feel connected to her and to remember her in life and not just at the terrible end. I do the same for my father who also passed away after a cancer and dementia battle.
It would be sometimes be good if we could have a selectively sub-optimal remembrance; choosing what we remember may save us a lot of heartache I guess, through blocking out that which makes us unhappy or brings unpleasant thoughts, but we cannot...we have to deal with all of our memories, the good and the bad and as a human life is made up of each element it would be limiting to block one out. I guess that's why I go through my photo ritual on the birthday's of my mother and father, and others I've lost over the years, sort of like a memory top-up which helps hold the less-pleasant memories down rather than trying to eliminate them.
Dealing with the loss of loved ones through death can be difficult and certainly unique to each of us but we all have the ability to remember them in life rather than just at their end and it's what we remember that counts when a person has departed. How do you remember people you've lost to death, what do you do on their birthday's and deathdays to remember them, if anything? Feel free to share, but only if you want to.
Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised - galenkp
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Image(s) in this post are my own
It will be 9 years in 2024 since my little sister was eaten alive by the monster we all know as Cancer.
It still hurts as if it were last year. The pain and anger is a good thing in a way. It simply means I miss her just as badly as if it just happened.
The pain never goes away I guess, thanks to our memories. However, also thanks to our memories, we have the ability to recall the person, their lives and what they meant to us. Cancer huh, it's a bugger of a thing.
Cheers for your comment brother, I hope you're well.
It's been 15 years since my father died, but I can still remember the pain he was in to, and the last minute of his life where he seek to watch the light of the day until his last breath.
Every death anniversary, we used to visit his tomb and eat our lunch their as if he is with us.
I think, no matter how much time passes most will still recall their loved one, miss them and honour their life. I think that's a good thing, the ability to remember them in life and what they meant to us.
Thanks for commenting and all the best for 2024.
The mind is a powerful thing, capable of bringing back such pain, I too have lost both parents and it does burn as the memories come in waves of deep sadness. It is scary to think of what military veterans (like my father) have to deal with.
All the best mate.
I guess the memory is somewhat like a double-edged sword; good and bad memories. I'd rather accept and deal with the bad to have the ability to enjoy the good ones.
Thanks for commenting and all the best for 2024.
Probably the person closest to me that has passed was my grandma. I think of her often, but I don't really do anything special to commemorate the day. She passed away on her birthday.
She rounded things out nicely, born and deceased in the same day - it's something I'd probably won't to do considering the symmetry of it.
I remember three if my grandparents but never met my paternal grandfather as he died before I was born. Thanks for your comment, and I hope the new year starts off well...and continues that way.
Thanks, I wish the same for you as well!
It's been a year since my grandma died, but it's like yesterday. All the memories we spent together were still fresh in my mind and it will never be forgotten.
She died after a week of celebrating her 60th birthday, she had a good time with her relatives before she passed away.
I miss my grandma so muchhh🥺
Do you have any specific memories of your grandmother that help you remember her or do you just remember her generally? Is there a particular memory you cherish more than others?
This post really hit home for me. It's easy to forget, but we should cherish the memories of those we've lost and keep their spirit alive in our hearts
I agree, cherishing their memories is like honouring them after they have left.
I'm lucky to still have my parents alive. But the most tragic of all death I have seen was when I lost my aunt and my grandmother to death on the same day, six years ago. Whenever it's my grandma's birthday, I usually place her portrait on the chair she used to sit and tell me moonlight tales.
That must have been tough to lose both on the same day, I can only imagine what that might be like. Hopefully you managed to work your way through it and you remember both of them with fondness and love.
Sometimes I see my dead grandparents in my quite lucid dreams, and while everything seems almost normal, I suddenly remember that they are actually dead. This realization creates a unique, surreal feeling inside the dream where I still see and treat them like living beings BUT know internally that they are long gone. These types of dreams aren’t very pleasant and leave a lingering sensation of something out of place once I wake up.
There is an esoteric belief (knowledge?) out there according to which some part of dead (one of their 7 bodies or something like that) remain on earth among the living as long as at least one living person actively remembers them. However, it is never EXACTLY them as they were in real life. It’s just a lingering presence of some energy part of them, and as the time goes by it can become influenced by many things and grow into something quite different. It’s pretty much fed by the memories of the living, like an entity, plus other energies out there can add to it something that was never a part of the actual person who is long gone. Anyways, it’s just a theory, but worth pondering about for those who do believe in such things
This is interesting and I have heard similar things now and then also. It's incredibly interesting and I wonder if there's any way to prove such things, are any studies being done? Dreams can seem so real at times and have always held mystery and intrigue for some people...I just don't know how these things could be researched with any degree of effectiveness.
I do not know. I rely a lot on my own experiences, but I am also aware that they are too subjective to be a valid enough proof of anything on a larger scale. I think that many dreams are “just dreams” (our brain processing information), but not everything is that simple.
Hi Galen In the case of loved ones who are very dear and no longer around like my father, I don't do anything on their birthdays. I have the date of his passing engraved. I don't usually do anything special on that date either, I just accept the grief and keep in mind a thought from Freud: "Although we know that after such a loss the acute state of grief gradually diminishes, we also realize that we will remain inconsolable and that we will never find a way to adequately fill the void, for even if it were completely filled, it would have become something else. This is how it must be. It is the only way to perpetuate the loves we do not want to give up."
A very big greeting.
I know many who don't mark the day a loved one died in any way and I guess that's their choice, we're all different and deal with these things in various ways for that reason. I'm not one to create a shrine to people I've lost, nor do I have to go to gravesites or memorial walls to feel closer to them, although I certainly remember them well and fondly, their lives I mean, not their deaths.
I hope you're well and have had a good couple days.
Hi Galen, again, I'm fine, and at the same time trying to assimilate a new development about my mother. At 86 years of age her cardiologist has advised her to have open heart surgery. The laptop problem has been left for what it really is, an anecdote. A hug
That's terrible news and a tough decision lies ahead. I imagine heart surgery to be a major stress on one of such advanced age; I wish you and your family strength and all the best in the decision-process and ongoing also.
Thank you very much Galen, besides having a very interesting channel, you are a very good person. A big hug
You're too kind, but thank you.
It's only been 7 months but it is still fresh as it happened yesterday. More painful things is that he took his last breath in front of me...seeing him dying suddenly while he was sitting was heart breaking. I am not sure, if I ever get rid of the sight...but i miss him a lot...everyday...every morning at 5am I goes to his bed, as was doing it since last 6 years for him....The pain is unbearable...
I wasn't sure you'd read this post but knew if you did that it would probably cut close to the bone.
That image you have, I have similar of my mum who died very badly and I'll never be able to shake those images loose from my mind. I guess that's why I focus on the lives of those who depart rather than their deaths - I've seen some bad ones and I'd rather remember the good about that person.
I know it'll be difficult for you still, that may fade slightly over time but will never leave you.
Remembering him does gave me strength at time...no wonder, I can not be like him, but alwsys think of him whenever find myself in trouble....it was very fresh so not easily go away..neither I want to forget him as a person...I never seen such a close death before.
Death is often confronting and most never really see it enough to get used to it, as used to it as one may anyway.
Just take your time with it, remember who he was as a person and in your life and allow yourself the time to deal with it in whatever time it takes.
Doing that always..nobody will be like him... I stopped watching his pic anymore, just tobget rid of the pain...but alwsys kept him alive in my memory
Well, it depends. I lost my two cousins in the previous couple of months but they don't come to my mind often because I wasn't attached to them.
Whereas my grandmother passed away in 2017 and I still remember her like it was just yesterday's incident. I don't do this birthday thing of the dead ones
People remember, or don't remember those who pass on depending upon their relationship they had with the person in life I guess, as you have demonstrated. I have cousins I've never met for instance, similar to your situation. When they die, or when I die neither them or I will be too fussed about it I guess.
Yup. This is what life is about
I try to remember the good times. I also look at photos we had together and reminisce. I think what you are doing, topping up memories, is very smart. It refreshes your memory. On their birthdays and deathdays, we usually visit their grave and pray.
Yeah, I think that's normal for most. I'll admit that I don't tend to go to gravesites much as I don't really feel the person is there anymore, although every now and then I go to my parents and grandparents graves and put some flowers on there.
Yeah, I can see that. It is also mostly a tradition. There is also the thought that if the dead can see us from beyond, it would be nice for them to see us go to their grave, since they can't read our minds.
It is really hard to remember loved ones, in the first moments after they leave, the last images come to my mind.... the ugliest ones of the disease, and I feel very sad, especially for what they have suffered.
Then time goes by and both on birthdays and on the date of death I usually remember them in their spirit, the good things, the good moments, anecdotes.... although the ugly images do not come on those days.
This is a post that touches the soul, at least for me today, it has been a hard year, this holiday season I will try to remember those good times and the most beautiful days.
Thank you Galen!
They say time heals but I don't think that's the case, it just brings perspective and that can help people deal more effectively with the loss.
I think the same, the pain is there but it is seen from a different perspective. So it is.
Remembering those who are no longer with us can be painful and sad. Sometimes, I remember my late father and my late partner when I hear songs that they liked or when I pass by places that we used to go together.
I usually say a little pray for them on their birthdays or on the anniversary of their passing. During festive seasons, I visit my late father's grave. There is nothing better than offering prayers for those who have long departed.
Music is often a huge trigger for the memory so I'm not surprised to see you mentioned it. I think it's nice to remember people in good ways when they pass away and music can help us recall good times, fun moments and the person themselves in the best way.
That's true. My dad really loved music. Every morning when he woke up, we would hear the radio playing and music in the living room. Whenever we heard the music, we knew that he was awake.
But now, no one plays the radio loudly in the living room anymore. Each of us listens to music through our own headphones instead. Thats how a passing may affect us.
Hmm, there seems to be an opportunity to rekindle the tradition of having music playing for all to hear as your father did.
I still talk to my dad. He's been gone for over 20 years now, and - like many - I've found that the grief never goes away. It just seems you get better at handling it?
Annabelle 😞
This is something many do. I often wonder to myself, what would dad have done, in certain situations and I think about it and often go ahead and proceed in a similar fashion. It's cool because it's his influence working on my from beyond life. I think that's something to be happy about. It's moments like that which make the feelings of loss feel less tragic and sad.
As usual, you've nailed it, @galenkp... I hear my dad every time I use the phrase "there's a right way and a wrong way to do things..."
Happy New Year.
Annabelle 😊
It's funny how we start to use phrases they also used.
Happy new year. 😊
That's so true - it makes me smile. Happy New Year to you too, @galenkp
I always remember with joy and affection the people I loved and who are no longer on this physical plane. And I also feel many times that it is necessary to talk about them, to tell their anecdotes, to think about what they did or would do at a certain time. That's good for me. They seem to visit me all the time. The sad part I try to leave it there, where it happened, I just evoke them through joy.
I like those flowers G. And your photo. It has a huge symbolic charge, as well as love.
I think that's the best way to go...remember them fondly and all the ways they enriched our lives. I know people that hold onto the bad aspects and sometimes it's possibly warranted, although I think it's best to forget it, move on, and if possible remember the good things.
Thanks for commenting and your remark about my photo...I like this one a lot. :)
Hello galenkp!
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