Big Dog's sore paw

Once upon a time there lived a man in a land far far away from anywhere else called Australia. He was a typical man, nothing out of the ordinary and very average in every way but he was mostly a good man who went after life looking to make it as good as possible. It's that which often led him to out of the way places, off the grid into the wilderness and to carry him there he had a legit and fucken awesome four wheel drive he called, Big Dog.

Big Dog was a tricked up diesel powered V8 Landcruiser with with twin turbos which was tuned on the dyno for maximum performance and had had a lot of after market goodies fitted as well. To sum it up, Big Dog ate other four wheel drives for breakfast because it was a beast and very far from average.

On a recent trip to the wilderness Big Dog carried the man far and wide and they had an awesome time...right up until Big Dog broke.

The man, despite being completely average, was well above averagely annoyed because he was a long way from civilisation and with Big Dog having an issue, a sore paw...well, out in the wilderness if a person's mode of transport is broken that person has a big fucken problem.

In the far far away land of Australia, an affluent country that has everything one could need, one of the problems with going to far away places is that there's no phone service for regular cell phones but because the average fellow is smart and prepared he simply got on his SATphone and called one of his mates who is also his mechanic and described the issue to seek some clarity so decisions could be made.

Here's a [paraphrased] transcript

Average bloke: Bro, the anti-roll bar on the rear is hanging off, one bolt is gone completely and the rear one is sheared off completely and in the chassis rail still.

Mechanic Mate: Fuck, that's on the right side yeah? With KDSS on that thing there's no chance you're fixing it. Where are you?

Average bloke: About seven hundred fucken kilometres dead north from Adelaide.

Mechanic Mate: You're fucked dude.

Average bloke: Yeah, I know, don't be a dick, give me some options. Can I drive Big Dog?

Mechanic Mate: Yeah, carefully though. That roll bar is directly linked to the KDSS so the vehicle will be squirmy and you'll not want to do anything gnarly. You got any four wheelin' you'll have to do?

Average bloke: Shit man, I'm fucken deep out here, probably 150 clicks of low low range at least and then about 500 clicks home. Will Big Dog make it?

Mechanic Mate: We'll know soon enough, get off the phone and start driving, call me if you get into strife, I'll see what I can do.

Average bloke: Thanks brah, if you never hear from me again it means I died in the outback.

The average fellow started his slow as fuck drive homeward and after many trials and tribulations managed to limp Big Dog into his garage where it would rest for a week before his next day off and Big Dog could be taken to the mechanic for evaluation and repair.

His main concern was that it'd be a complicated and costly repair considering the anti-roll bar was part of the complex kinetic dynamic suspension system (KDSS) the vehicle was factory-fitted with - a system that helps keep the body of the vehicle laterally level (more level) when off-roading on side-slopes. It could spell trouble.

On his day off the average man dropped Big Dog to the mechanic and all fucken day later went to collect it...he was somewhat nervous.

As it turns out it was a super simple job...Nope not really! It was very complicated and the mechanic was quite exasperated with a day spent getting it right...but get it right he did. The repair report simply said:

Drill out broken bolt remains, tap threads, source and fit new bolts. jack up hydraulic stabiliser bar link and re-mount stabiliser bar to refitted link. Perform reset of KDSS system and re-level system.

Sounds easy...it took all fucken day though and the re-levelling/re-setting was the worst part...it was all the worst part actually, and the mechanic gave his professional opinion on it when the average guy was talking to him: "Bro, it was a fucken cunt of a job!" That pretty much says it all.

The average man thanked his mechanic a lot, favours are owed, discussed a probable cause of the issue in the first place which the mechanic said was "that you off-road way too much you crazy fucker," and the average guy sort of agreed...but knew Big Dog was beastly and a sore paw could never hold him back for long. A sneaky $587.60 AUD was handed over in payment and Big Dog and the average man drove away into the sunset.

Like all good stories there's a moral to it, a lesson to be learned or given, and here it is:

Going into wilderness places is dangerous if ill-prepared. Fortunately the average guy is totally fucken prepared and whilst he may not be able to fix everything he at least had a SATphone to call for assistance. A secondary lesson is to build good relationships with people as one never knows when those people may be called upon or needed for help. The tertiary lesson...well, see lesson one I guess...be fucken prepared.

And that's the end of the story...Big Dog's sore paw was fixed, the average man didn't perish hungry and thirsty in the Australian outback and the mechanic had a pile of cash to put towards his off-road racing buggy that costs him a packet to run!

And they all lived happily ever after.