ʜᴀᴠɪɴɢ ᴄᴏᴍғᴏʀᴛ ɪɴ ᴋɴᴏᴡɪɴɢ ʏᴏᴜ ᴛʀɪᴇᴅ.
It has been a rough couple of months, pushing and pulling all I could together for upcoming events. the preparation has all been laid out since last year but the time is finally here but I wonder why I feel so tensed about it. you probably wouldn't know what I'm talking about but I have mentioned it a couple of times on my blog about my preparation for NYSC mobilisation. It is really insane how my whole academic career has lead me to this program, for those who aren't Nigerian. NYSC service is more like a program undergone by every graduate below the age of 30 at the time of graduation. It is similar to how others countries join the army after graduation, it is not as if we serve in the army but it kind of looks like it.
It is one of the most anticipated event in a student life, apart from thinking about how discomforting the program could be. I mean you have to leave your comfort zone to a different state you have not been before, sleep in a camp for 3 weeks in a strange bed and performing all sort of activities that test the limit of your tolerance. It could be fun but could be disastrous if you find yourself in a wrong place especially in this time of insecurity, being careful is not a choice but a must. Apart from all that I still have to think about the expenses especially the long list of items that is needed to be bought. the more items I bought, the more I feel I need to get more.
How could I be preparing for an event since last year and yet I still feel unprepared. it feels there is more to be done, there is more to be bought. the thought of having to say goodbye to my family in few days from now is like an haunting feeling I can't seem to shake off. Everybody sayd something like "Bro man up" it is easier said than done. Times have changed from those days we have nothing to worry about. Now I have to think about numerous ways to ensure I keep myself safe at all times. Does it sound weird that I'm holding unto my desire to live, I mean who doesn't.
Waking up this morning like every other day all I could do is look at the Callender to count the number of days I have left. this has become an habit of mine for a couple of weeks now, it feels like a countdown. Don't get me wrong it is not as if I'm terrified of serving but there seem to be a lot at stake than the service itself. I have a lot of things ongoing presently especially activities on my hive account which is very important to me, ever since last year I have made a significant growth on my hive account which I'm not planning on stopping any time soon but here I'm facing a situation that will force me to do so. I don't know how time consuming some of the things I have to do in camp will be, I have no Idea how it is going to affect my activities on hive. It makes me wonder sometimes, is it worth it?
Having to evaluate my losses and gains has become overwhelming, why must I have to lose one in order to gain another? why can't I have it all? I guess I'm terrified of what I will be leaving behind, it is just 3 weeks in camp why does it feel like it is going to last a life time. I have had a lot of time to think about all this but I haven't arrived at a conclusion that will serve as a justification of any actions I have to take from this moment.
Here I'm being plagued thought such as "Are you prepared for this? have you done all that is needed to be done? it is ok to let go now? A set of rhetorical questions that seems to be stuck in my thoughts.
Yesterday I finally found a way to take a break from my thoughts, One of the things that is capable of keeping my mind occupied is movies. There is a TV series in particular I have watched over and over again but it still remains my favourite probably because it is a musical movie. The Tv series is titled EMPIRE, I have watched this movie numerous times so I just kept on skipping the movie as fast as I could just to view familiar scenes. In the process of this I got to an episode where "Alicia keys" performed "Powerful" on stage with Jussie Smollett in the movie.
Being overwhelmed by watching her performance and feeling connected to her songs, i went in search of her name and i saw other songs she sang but there was one in particular that hit me really hard which was titled "Good job". Apparently the song was released during the covid 19 pandemic to honour and comfort the heros who laid down their lives to ensure the safety of others
The weird part was, this was not my first time hearing the song "Good job" but it was different which was because I paused a little to properly listen to the lyrics. Like they say "Good music is more than just a sound, its essence is embedded in its lyrics" Truth be told my mind was gentled by the song because I felt I was being spoken to, I felt the singer knew exactly how I was feeling. I realised I have been giving myself less credit for my efforts so far. finally I felt it was ok not to have everything figured out, it is ok to let go, it is ok to rest a little, it okay not to be ok.
I had to get the song, well when it comes to downloading movie soundtracks I consider myself to be a privateer. I have collections of every soundtracks that connected to my soul filled in a folder. I will be listening to this song for awhile just to reassure myself.
Cover image - 𝖣𝖾𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗌𝗂𝗇𝗀 𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗏𝖺
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We all panic and stress out when we dont have things in the order that we want, but it is okay sometimes to let's go not our order sometimes. By this we can take the time to enjoy little things around us,like you did with music. I hope you NYSC Program goes well. Best of luck.
I pray it goes well also, thanks 🤗
Things can sometimes be like that. The fear of the unknown isn't to be taken likely especially in this period. And it is nice knowing that in this period, you found watching movies and music as a motivation to keep going.
Hello dearest fashionable dreemer. TGIf! I hope you are ready for today's hunt? I hope you get all the necessary goodies you need for Easter so you can share with me😂😂. I waltzed in from #dreemport, for I am an amazing #dreemer. An awesomely made #dreemerforlife.
Yeah, music and movies keeps my mind occupied, away from thinking of real life troubles.
That's very nice
Hehehe. Incoming corper shun 🤣🤣
Reading this made me reflect on how it went with mine last year, November. I thought I had prepared well for the camp training and when the date was coming closer, it felt as if I didn't prepar at all. I started questioning myself if I had prepared enough for this journey. Like, spending 3 weeks in a strange land. I kept thinking how it would affect my Hive activities but guess what? It went all fine.
I was still able to post daily in camp for 3 weeks, even with the rigorous training. It wasn't easy but I knew what I wanted. I made up my mind to keep posting and never miss a day.
Life in camp is a different thing entirely but I believe you will sail through it. I wish you the best.
#dreemport
Sometimes I really envy you, going through all the troubles of serving and still being consistent on hive, it takes a lot of effort to make that happen.
I'm just hoping I would be able to make it work like you did.
Everyone always feel nervous and anxious when engaging in a new activity or moving to a different geographical location. At the initial point, you feel all ready but when it gets close, you realize how unprepared you are.
There is really nothing to worry about. Camp life is a bittersweet experience. It's good you found a way to enlighten your mood through good music.
#Dreemerforlife.
Bittersweet?
It is the bitter part of it that I'm worried about 😔, I know it is a transition process which I will eventually adapt to but there is just a lot at stake right now.