It is sort of strange, I'm not quite old enough to be lost in a haze of remeniscnes and memories... but more and more, I'm sort of finding myself beset by little waves of memories and emotions when I'm performing on stage.

Our European chapter of music finished a few years ago after nearly 20 years there... and during that time, we had made close friends of colleagues and shared the stage with some of the most amazing musicians... and took part in some really touching performances as well.

... and, leaving that life... and setting a up new life here in Australia... well, it feels like it is a lost life that has been exchanged for a different one. There are many things to like about being here... family... and the chance to create something musical of our own.

... but there is always the tinge of sadness for the people that we left... and the ensembles that we played with... and all that went with it... being surrounded by those talented friends and colleagues.

I think I had ignored it... and just battled through when we were in the last few months... and I remember the last tour, with one of my most beloved orchestras... with some of my closest friends... and each night I was near tears... until the last performance, when I was crying on stage at the end.

I had a chance to talk about it recently with someone who had just recently returned... and it is something that she feels as well, even though she hasn't fully committed to returning yet. And of the people in my particular field... I spent the longest away... and so, I don't feel like I have a similar shared experience with the others. Plus, I don't like talking about my time over there as much as some other people like to loudly do!

Now that I have had a few years back... I find that there are particular pieces that dredge up memories of past performances... and those hit a little bit hard...

... but as the person that I recently talked to said... the fact that we miss everything so terribly is proof that we had a great time over there... and that that is worth it, and it wouldn't be anything that we would give up... even though we would tear ourselves away and feel the pain of losing that particular life.

Yes... I miss it terribly, but there are definitely positive things for me to focus on here... as well as things that remind me of what used to be... and every now and then, it is nice to let those emotions come through, it does feel good in a weird sort of way.

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